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~‌ ‌1.07 ‌-‌ All That Work for Chits ‌~‌
Kyle’s Apartment
Wednesday, June 11th
Opening his eyes, Kyle looked over at his alarm clock. The time was 7:14 in the morning. He had been in the game for a little over five hours this time. The teen got up and went to the bathroom to take care of his needs, then made a trip to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. Sitting down on the couch, he brought up a web browser on his augmented vision. Checking his favorite gaming news sites, he saw Massively OP already had a handful of articles about Fantasy. The top article talked about how Fantasy with the new Neurolink implant combined to create the first true digital world with all senses intact.
The writer wrote how he and another player became buddies with one of the town's guards and was able to find a hidden quest for him which didn’t show in their logs. They also became great friends with the guard and had pints of ale with him later that day. The author of the article went on to say he was able to talk to the guard about any subject. The guard responded and gave opinions on almost everything they talked about, like he was a real person with his own thoughts. The author’s main point about his first day playing was that the new AI systems that controlled each NPC was extraordinary.
He pulled up his email to see if Iron or Elen had gotten his contact details from Sinn3r and found nothing in his inbox. Checking on some other sites produced more of the same. Everyone was in love with the game, and people were foaming at the mouth to get their chance. The second batch of users were slated to start playing early next week with the Delve Neurolink. Kyle had figured most would start playing Fantasy with the capsules until they could upgrade their implants, but a few articles told players who wished to play with the implant to hold off on starting but didn’t give the reasons why. He sent an email to his Uncle William, letting him know how the game was and that he would be incognito for most of the summer playing Fantasy.
Finishing up on checking a few more sites and drinking his water bottle, Kyle closed out his augmented tabs in his vision and went back to bed.
“Initiate Delve.”
[Delve Initializing]
Kyle found himself flying through the stars at warp speed once again for a few moments before materializing on the back terrace of his house in his MicroWorld.
“Hey, Bob, can you make me the same Gnome as Flea in Fantasy here as well? The perspective shift is a bit hard to get used to.”
Kyle found himself shrinking down to his gnome avatar without Bob saying anything.
“Thank you, Bob.”
Now a Gnome, Kyle walked to the pavilion and by opening the door to Fantasy logged in.
The Drunken Ogre
2nd Spirtday of The Full Moon
Getting up from his bed in the inn, Flea grabbed everything out of the chest and made his way downstairs. A few players were still hanging around, chatting and drinking in the common room. The Gnome made his way outside and headed towards the town’s North Gate. He noticed a different guard stationed there, nodded to him as he left the town. He could only make out a few players farming the rabbits this late at night, as he got closer to the yellow fields.
Walking through the field with his daggers in hand, he made sure to be on the lookout for any rabbit trying to surprise him. Making it to the tree line, he started looking for the Hollyhock he needed. It was then Flea realized a considerable problem; he couldn’t make out shit in the dark.
How are the other players able to see the rabbits well enough to farm them?
Catching one of the players in his sight, he was able to see the player and cursed. He was an Elf, so he assumed he had some type of night vision that helped them farm at night. Flea decided to go back up to the gate and asked the guard if he had an extra torch lying around.
“Too dark for you little one?” the guard asked as Flea got closer.
“Got it in one!” Flea smirked. “Any chance you have any extra torches lying around?
“Sure, we got a ton of them in the shed over near the wall left of the gate. You can take one or two; each will last you all night.”
“Thank you. During the night, is there anything else I should worry about?”
“I’d stay away from the forest at night, as the terrorbears come out in full force. Without a small hunting party, they will rip most people to shreds. Your best bet would head to the mines near the lake at night and mine. There is silver in the mountain, and the runoff has deposited plenty of silver into the lake over the ages, keeping monsters far from its shores.”
“That's what I’ll do then. You know where I can get a pickaxe?”
“You’ll probably find them all over the mines, they are bulky, and no one wants to waste a space inside their bags to store a basic one, so they usually leave them at the entrances.”
“Didn’t even think of that. You’ve been a huge help. Thank you. I’m Flea. Is there anything I could help you with to repay the favor?” Flea asked, hoping to try and buddy up with the guard.
“No problem, Flea, I’m Telen. If you happen to find any extra silver, I could use a couple of chunks. I’m an apprentice Jewelsmith, but silver is hard to come by. Making rings out of iron doesn’t help when you need to learn to work with higher-grade materials.”
“If I happen to find any silver, I’ll think of you first, Telen. I’m off. Thanks again for the info and torches.”
Flea walked over to the shed, opening it. Inside he found barrels with tons of torches in them. Grabbing one, he found the torches’ head was soaking underneath the water at the barrel’s bottom. Taking the torch, he whipped it towards the ground a few times to get the water off the head. Walking over to a torch on the wall, Flea lit it. For the second time that night, he headed out the gate and down the hill. Getting to the bottom, he took a left from the path and headed away from the fields and towards the lake.
It took Flea well over thirty minutes to reach the shore of the lake. Skirting around the lake to the left, he started his trot towards the ridge in the distance. Getting closer, Flea could make out a couple of cave entrances in the distance with warm glows of a torch in them. Flea assumed these caves had players inside already mining.
Walking for a couple more minutes, Flea found himself near the ridge. Walking to his right and keeping the rise to his left, he started looking for one of the mine entrances. It didn’t take long before Flea found one thirty feet ahead of where he had been. Entering the shaft, he looked around but couldn’t find any pickaxes. Checking the next five mines provided nothing as well. He found a couple of pickaxes inside the seventh mine. Grabbing the smallest one, he walked deeper into the mine.
The entire mine shaft looked the same to him. Flea couldn't make out any veins or discolored chunks on the wall. He spent a large amount of time going down the mine shaft and back up to the entrance and not finding anything. He assumed it was just an empty mine. Deciding to go into one of the caves with the glow of a torch at the entrance and hoping to find a player. Upon entering the first lit up entrance, he found a player with a race he was not expecting. A single dark-green goblin with huge pointy ears was cursing up a storm and slamming his pickaxe against the wall over and over.
“Hello?”
“Oie, what's your problem, you bloody cunt?” The goblin shouted out in fright as he jumped back deeper into the mine.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. I was trying to figure out how to mine. I couldn’t see any iron or veins on the wall to mine in the shafts I’ve checked. I figured I'd come to ask another player if they had any luck. Also, why in the hell a Goblin?”
“No worries, just scare easily at my age. I’ve always chosen a Goblin for my characters. I always end up playing some type of tinker or engineer and wanted to keep it going. I’m Khorwin, by the way, and to answer your question about mining. I’m having a fuck all time myself. I’ve been in almost all of these tunnels, and I’ve yet to find any type of metal anywhere in the first couple hundred feet of the entrance. I’m just randomly digging to see what it gets me.”
“Names Flea, and that's what I’d have done too. Want to share the tunnel and try and figure this out?”
“That sounds like a splendid plan. Let’s go deeper down the cave then. I didn’t want to adventure and travel deeper going solo. It’s rather spooky. I swore I heard low moans coming from deeper down, but with the two of us, it shouldn’t be too bad.”
Khorwin grabbed his torch, pulling it out of the crack he had wedged it into, and they headed off deeper into the cave. They traveled in silence for what seemed like an hour before they found the first hint of what they were looking for, spotting small red flecks among the walls of the shaft. Five minutes later, they came across a sizable reddish-brown vein within the rock low to the ground.
“Well, it seems the mine was bare till here. At Least the vein is lower to the ground for us,” said Khorwin.
He then jammed his torch into a crack on the wall to the right of the iron vein.
“Put yours somewhere to the left, and we should have plenty of light to start digging. Let's just mine out the vein till it’s gone, and we can split it up then.”
Flea followed suit and stuck his torch into the rock face to his left. Grabbing the pickaxe out of his inventory, he started to swing and strike at the vein. The two of them got into a rhythm, hammering away at the vein until nothing was left within the cave wall.
“I'd say we got a pretty good haul even after the split,” Khorwin said.
Flea wiped the sweat off his brow and sat down.
“How the hell aren’t you dying right now. I feel like I’ve just run a marathon.”
“Ah got two points in strength already. I got lucky with the rabbits yesterday and was able to get eight cores. With how much mining I plan on doing in the future, I figured it would help out.”
They took their time sorting through the chunks of rock and iron. After finishing up, each had forty-two pieces of iron. They agreed to head deeper into the mine to find more veins so they could sell it in the morning. The duo found two medium iron veins and a small silver vein through the night. When they finally left the cave the next morning, they had a hundred and ten chunks of iron and thirteen chunks of silver each.
“Thanks for the help man, this should make me enough money to pay for some more training. I’ll be up for more mining tonight if you’re available, man. If you need me, you can leave a message at The Drunken Ogre. That’s the inn I’m currently staying at,” Flea said.
“Oh, you bet your bollocks, I’ll take you up on that. These mines are bloody scary as shit when you're by yourself. The guard at the gate said they were safe at all times of the night, but are they really safe if we keep going deeper? I'd rather have someone with me. Want to meet back here at sunset?”
“Sounds good to me. I can finish my first three Adventurers’ Guild quests today. I’ll meet you back here at sunset then, glad I ran into you. I would have had a terrible night trying to find the iron by myself. See you tonight, Khorwin.”
Flea walked towards the forest to start looking for the Hollyhock he needed. In the morning sunlight, he was able to spot them easily in the shade of the larger trees. Two hours later, the morning’s three bells rang. He decided to stop gathering and head to the fields to fill his bag with rabbits. On the way to the fields outside town, he checked his magic bag.

		Magic Bag: 11/20
Noto Spawn Crystal	Starter Daggers	Travel Rations: 5	Canteen: Water	Rabbit Hide: 32
Rabbit Horn: 32	Noto Island Map	Iron Ore: 100	Iron Ore: 10	Silver Ore: 13
Hollyhock: 31

				2c

Nine inventory spots were still open. He decided to kill rabbits and then turn in his three quests.
Flea found Gronky at The Pit and gave him ten new rabbits. He had the nine in his bag and carried a tenth he had killed when he pulled one off a train-runner, deciding to just take the body with him. Flea asked Gronky if he knew where he could find Krem and The Silver Pestle. Krem was easy to find as the tannery’s stench sat right at home near The Pit and wasn't more than a hundred yards from where they were standing. He turned in his thirty hides for a sad 60 copper and the extra two hides for another four copper. He was also given a blue ceramic chit that looked like a poker chip. The chit had Copper printed on both sides that shined with a greenish metallic color.
Gronky’s directions to The Silver Pestle let Flea find it with relative ease. Entering the shop he was assaulted with the heavy scent of pine, with a hint of lavender. The smell brought back an old memory of him and his family on vacation at a cabin on a lake surrounded by the forest. His family used to go there twice a summer for as far as he could remember.
“Welcome, how may Silverfang help you today?” a small female Wolf Beastkin asked him, breaking him out of the memory.
“Hello Silverfang, I have your Hollyhock as per your request. I also have eleven more Hollyhock I wish to sell as well.”
“Welcome young adventurer; thank you for fulfilling our request. We would be happy to buy all the Hollyhock you can gather in any quantities you can obtain. Sadly per the Guild’s rules, I can only give you the quest chit once a day. We will buy each Hollyhock from you at three copper each for a total of 93 coppers, adventurer. Is there anything else you may be interested in selling or purchasing?” Silverfang replied.
“Do you have any useful poisons for daggers? Also, do you buy these rabbit horns?”
“I have a few vials of paralyzing poison for sale at 20 copper each. We’ll also buy the horns from you at one copper each.”
“Alright, I’d like to buy two vials of the paralyzing poison, and I have thirty-two horns on me for sale.”
“Your total is 85 copper. We will buy the Hollyhock for 93 copper. 32 copper for the rabbit horns. Your cost will be 40 copper for the two paralyzing poison vials. Silverfang has had the pleasure of doing business with you.”
He was also handed another blue chit with his coins.
Flea was now 151 copper-rich. He asked the closest guard he could find where Blacksmith Grom could be found and was directed to the west wall. His smithy was the furthest away from the residents of the town.
I’m betting the hammering would drive anyone nuts.
He greeted the Dwarf he assumed was Grom, handed over his twenty iron ore request, and sold him the rest of his iron ore, netting him five silver and 50 copper. Flea quickly figured out 100 copper coins equaled a silver coin. Asking Grom about it revealed a hundred to one ratio; 100 silver to a gold coin, and 100 gold to a Royal coin. Finished with his three quests, he pulled up his journal.
Quest Journal

Krem, the Tanner, has requested thirty Horned Rabbit hides. [Completed]
- Return your chit to the Adventurers’ Guild
Blacksmith Grom has requested twenty-five iron ore. [Completed]
- Return your chit to the Adventurers’ Guild
The Silver Pestle has requested twenty bundles of Hollyhock. [Completed]
- Return your chit to the Adventurers’ Guild

With the three quests finished, he decided to first wander around the town then head to the Adventurers’ Guild to see if they had any more quests. Taking some time to walk around the town and visit every shop, he introduced himself and browsed their wears. When he spied the time on the clock tower over the top of the buildings close by, he decided to head over to the Adventurers’ Guild, turn in his quest chits and see if new quests were on the boards.

Tales from the Gun Show: Independence Day Edition

Hello there internet! I know you've all missed me. I just worked the FABULOUS Baton Rouge gun show right here in the heart of cajun country, and have I got stories.
Do you want to hear stories about dealers selling $350 SCCY 9mm pistols? Or Magtech 9mm for $550/thousand? Or how I sold 14 guns in one day for a new PB on saturday? Or how I set my gross sales for a gun show weekend PB?
No. You don't want to hear that.
You clicked on this thread for the stories. And stories you are going to get!
My loadout was epic. Glocks, HK's, Sigs, Colt 6920's, Springfield Hellcats, you name it I had it in stock. And priced accordingly. I set everything up the night before and I had even more stuff to bring in Saturday morning.
The PA crackled and announced all guns should be tied and ready to go and at 9AM the masses came in looking for deals. And in some cases, they found some.
I had one guy saunter over looking for an S&W M&P 15-22. I only had two left in stock and not enough space on the tables for them. He says he'll take one sight unseen, I do his paperwork and get his money and tell him to show up at the show tomorrow and I'll have it ready for him to pickup. He's got his ID and everything together and it's smooth sailing. $500 in hundreds and he's on his way. I run him through the computer and I've got an instant approval. Woo.
My login screen warns me that background checks are taking 24 hours.
I had a feeling this would happen. I velcroed a small dry erase board to the wall just above my table that states: ALL BACKGROUND CHECKS ARE TAKING ________ MINUTES to be updated as the day gets weirder. I wipe off the minutes part and write "24 HOURS" in red dry erase marker.
I can hear the crowd behind me gasp and go "24 hours? I need a gun NOW!" in their heads and the pro salesman inside my noggin cracks a smile, leans back in the eames chair and puts his feet up on the ottoman. I have just implanted the most powerful driver of sales ever: fear.
Boy howdy, did it work.
The next hour is epic. I write ALL my Gen 5 Glock 19's up at $850. I am sold out by 11AM. Everything is flying off the table. Shield 9mm's, Stripped lowers, EZ shields, $300 Ruger LCP's, $700 Glock 43's.
What's the best $850 gun? An HK VP9, Glock 19 or Kel Tec Sub 2000? Fuck if I know. I sold one of each of them at that price.
It is nonstop asses and elbows and cash coming in left and right. I cannot count the money and run 4473's fast enough.
Noon flies by and I'm unable to touch my roast beef sandwich. I'm wearing gloves and a mask. This fucking mask SUCKS. It STINKS. It's brand new and it smells god-awful like someone used it to wipe their ass before packaging it and selling it in the store.
I don't shake anyones hand but I do count the money. The first lull hits at 1345. I ask my numismatist neighbor to watch the table as I go to the bathroom and wash my hands several times. I scarf down my sandwich fast and by 3PM things have calmed down. Crazy day. People asking me over and over for Taurus junk, Glock 43X's, Glock 48's, Glock 19 Gen 5's etc.
1: Hey do you have a Glock Generation 17?
FC: I will be dead in the cold cold ground before Glock ships a generation 17
1: Oh I meant a Glock 17
FC: right here
1: Are you seriously asking $850 for a Glock 17?
FC: Not asking. Getting.
I gesture to the person filling out a 4473 who has just asked me to write up a Glock 17 Generation 5 MOS for $850 and he nods with affirmation that that is in fact the price.
It is explained to this guy that there is not a single dealer in the ENTIRE GUN SHOW that has ANY glock pistols for sale from the 17 buyer since he's gotten here. I am the only one with inventory left. I debate hiking my prices another $50 but decide not to.
Some more folks saunter up
1: Do you have a ruger RS 9?
FC: ruger does not make an RS 9
1: Sure they do! It's called the service 9 now
FC: Can you google a photo for me?
1: I only use duckduckgo
FC: Fine, show me what an RS 9 looks like and let me see
(15 minutes of furious duckduckgoing ensues with no results)
FC: Are you sure it's an RS9?
1: I'm positive!
FC: Are you sure it couldn't be something else?
1: It's an RS9! I'm sure of it!
FC: Look at this
(FC shows image of Ruger SR9)
1: That's it!
FC: See how it says SR9?
1: Yeah, service 9 right?
FC: No, SR9 is SR9.
1: Then who makes the service 9?
FC: I don't think that's a thing.
1: Sure it is!
(More fuckfuckgo ensues, and it is abundantly clear that RS9 = SR9 = Service 9 = Security 9)
I have an old lady and her husband walk up and she picks up a Glock 19. Asks me if I take trades. I say sure.
1: It's a ruger revolver.
FC: What model?
1: Ruger
FC: No, what model? You're saying hey, I own a ford.
1: Oh okay. It's a Ruger 38. It shoots 38.
FC: I need a little more than that. What kind is it.
1: Oh I see. It's a revolver.
FC: Your statement is like "hey, I need an oil filter. I have a ford car" - ford makes lots of cars, ruger makes lots of guns.
1: What would a model sound like?
FC: SP101, GP100, Single 6, 22/45, SR22, LC9
1: Oh I have no idea what it is
FC: Bring it in and I'll take a look. But I only trade when I can make money.
Wrote a Sig 1911 up for $1000 as my last sale of the day. I head home, I am beat.
My neighbors took advantage of the fireworks store and their buy one get 9 free special and have enough mortars and bottle rockets to simulate Falliujah, circa 2004. They're shooting fireworks well past 1AM. Fuck me to tears.
Day 2
I wake up late and get to the show late. I kick off the show 15 minutes late and I have a guy trying to buy a Glock 19 from me. His ID does not have his current address and does not match up with the 4473. He asks if it will be a problem. I say it's no problem just get me something with your current address on it before the firearm releases.
1: But the dealer on the other side of the hall had NO PROBLEM taking this ID!
FC: I've made a living on my attention to detail. The federal regulation book says you need current ID.
1: Never mind! Gimme my ID back!
He snatches the clipboard and rips his ID from the board and walks away in a huff. His girl tries to apologize. I roll my eyes. Not my circus, not my elephants.
The morning starts off slow, I'm sleepy but it's not a total snoozefest. A very nice lady came by and picked up a PWS Mod 2 without argument on the price,
I wrote up another couple guns before lunch. One person has the WORST HANDWRITING ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET. I mean, it's bad. I emailed my brother who works as a pharmacist and said "hey, can you read this?" and he said "It looks like it says 492 milligrams of penicilin? what am I reading?"
Yeah.
The rest of the show goes on, I write up a few more glocks and I deliver everything that I wrote yesterday once the background checks come back. Everyone is super nice and polite. One lady stops by and she cannot decide between the Glock 17 Gen 5 MOS and the Sig P238. She asks if she can get a deal on both.
I look up at her and her life partner and this is the precise moment I was waiting for all weekend.
You see gentle readers... some guys like to go get drunk and party. Others like to hang glide or skydive. They like that adrenaline rush. Me? I like the deals. I love to make deals. Nobody makes deals like this America. Nobody. Not China. Not Crooked Hillary. Not Lyin Ted Cruz. Believe me, these deals are going to make America great again. You will be sick and tired of the deals that I make. Unprecedented deals.
I gesture for her to come in a little closer and put on my best sotto voice.
FC: I don't normally do this, but just for you.......if you take both guns. I'll throw in one of these. I don't normally do this.
FC reaches under the table and pulls out a mega pack of Charmin Ultra Strong TP and places it on top of the PD trade in Glock 17's and 21's.
I slap the top of the package triumphantly.
FC: You two can have all the Chipotle you want with this bad boy!
1 looks at me with the "you cannot be serious" face
2 looks at me with the "you know this isn't a bad deal" face
1: Is this a joke?
FC: Nope! I'll write both of em up right now, you get the guns AND the TP!
1: This is......I don't even know what to think. Lisa?
2: That's Charmin.
1: Are you seriously considering this?
2: Everybody poops! Make the deal!
1 pulls out the Amex. I write up both the guns. They leave happy with their guns and TP. I'm sure it all fits in the back of the subaru outback.
I write up a few more items and near the end of the show, three guys show up. One is on the phone talking rapidly in a foreign language. He waves me over.
1: The police trade Glock 17's. This all you have?
FC: The three on the table is all I got.
1: I’ll take three of these Glock 17’s. Make me a deal.
FC: $2100 cash on all three.

CASH?

FC: Cash out the door.
1: Deal
(I hand over clipboard)
1, 2 and 3 begin talking in machine gun Romanian. 1 has taken a seat and 3 is filling out the paperwork. I say what the fuck. 3 keeps filling out the form. I rip it off the clipboard, Hand it to 1 and tell him to fill it out. He completes the form.
1: I only want one now
FC: you just said you wanted three
2: yeah If you’re not going to work a deal on three he only wants to buy one
Me: who is he?
1: I’m buying
Me: no, who’s the gun for?
2: it’s for his father
1: It's for me
FC: What?
1: it’s for me
2: It's for his father!
FC: then why isn’t your father here?
The looks on their faces tell me everything. They are shitty poker players. The phone and the machinegun romanian, he was a straw doing a buy on behalf of another party. I call shenannigans.
FC: These aren't for you are they?
1: They're for me!
2: They're for his father! come on! His father wants him to have a gun for him too
3: let’s get out of here we can take our money elsewhere gimme my id
Me: it’s not your ID, it’s 1’s ID. Who's ID is this?
3 tears the clipboard out of my hand, takes his ID off the board and I don’t speak Romanian but these guys are now pissed at me
Total people I’ve ticked off today: 4
I didn't choose this life. So now I've got a totally complete 4473 that I need to fill out for three PD trade Glock 17's. I look down at the address. It's three hours away.
It's in ATF Jane's district. You all remember ATF Jane?
Jane puts bad people in jail and likes Shake Shack. We get along SPLENDIDLY. In fact, I consulted her on the firearms/stalking/restraining order article I wrote about Megan and her Ex. She's a super professional federal law enforcement superstar in my book.
Well, time to make a call. I get her VM and leave her a message as I pack up everything and count my cash. 21 guns for the weekend. $13k in sales for one gun show at coronagunrun margins make me one happy boy.
My investments in the collapse of society are now paying dividends in spades!
I'm driving home and ATF Jane returns my call. I tell her the story about the Rumanian gypsy straw purchase ring I had to shutdown.
ATF: You have got to be shitting me
FC: Nope. The guys literally ran their mouth and made me shut it down.
ATF: What a bunch of idiots.
FC: Yeah, they were buying from a few dealers judging by their bags and their haul. I think there might be an investigation warranted.
ATF: Thanks for the tip! Let me know if I can help you out in any way!
I look down at my watch, it's 645PM and I'm too tired to cook tonight. I pull the F350 into the Olive Garden parking lot, head in for dinner and the place is PACKED.There's a few people in the bar but not too many, everyone wants tables. I can see other salesmen on their laptops so I know the wifi is up. This is a good sign. I take out my laptop and write this out in the bar from a high top as I feast on breadsticks and chicken gnocchi soup.
My phone rings halfway into my second bowl of creamy chicken gnocchi goodness.
FC: Go for Will
1: hey man, I saw your post on armslist
FC: Okay, how can I help you?
1: I need a gun. You got a glock fawty?
FC: What model? 22, 23, 27, 35 or what?
1: aw man you got more than one?
FC: I have four to five hundred guns for sale at any given moment. What are you looking for?
1: aw hell yeah! lemme tell you what i need! I need some dracos, mini dracos. got any?
FC: no, sorry. I just did the gun show this weekend and I sold out of a lot of stuff.
1: What about an AR pistol? You got any of those?
FC: I got one Sig 516 pistol left in stock
1: will that shoot 223 AND 556?
FC: Sure, chamber is cut wide enough
1: yeah that'll work. When can we meet? I got CASH. Straight cash yo!
FC: Why don't you come down tomorrow, I'll get your cash and do your paperwork. Three day wait if you don't have a concealed.
1: WHAT DO YOU MEAN PAPERWORK?
FC: You gotta do paperwork, is that a problem?
1: I'm looking for a STRAIGHT CASH DEAL man I don't want to do no paperwork, I want to just cash and carry same day!
FC: You want to make one trip and pickup?
1: Yeah man!
FC: Okay no problem, just give me your credit card and when your wait clears come in and pick everything up.
1: Yo I'm three hours away! Why you gotta make me do paperwork?
FC: What's the problem here? You don't trust me?
1: I don't trust you! I want to just give you cash to not do paperwork. Like I'll give you $1000 extra so I can get everything without a wait.
(Note: I'm having this conversation ON THE PHONE IN THE BAR of the Olive Garden with all the other diners in earshot. This is where it gets good.)
FC: Let me get this right. You want to pay me $1000 extra just so you don't want to have to do a waiting period and paperwork?
1: yeah! thats right!
FC: Why's that worth that much more to you?
1: I got a felony so I can't do no paperwork
FC: So it sounds like you got a felony and you got cash to spend and you want a no paperwork deal on a bunch of guns.
1: that's right! So can you help me?
FC: Where you at?
1: I'm outside Mobile, about three hours away
FC: Okay here's what I'm gonna do. I probably can't help you, but here's what I'm gonna do. Whats the best number for you? I got a buddy of mine from high school who works with guys like you all the time. I'm going to give him a call and give him your number and if he wants to meet up with you, he's gonna set that up - you're talking to him from now on and not me. Got it?
1: yeah man that would be great! have him call me or text me here's my digits (he gives me number and I write it down on a cocktail napkin)
FC: Okay I'll pass it along - no promises
1: thanks nigga!
I hang up the phone. I take a deep breath and smile.
So, I told you that story to tell you another story. Back when I was in high school, I was a real hellraiser. One of the guys that I went to Central High with went LE. He started as a sleepy road cop and promoted to narcotics detective. His claim to fame is busting a bigtime celebrity with drugs and basically made his career on that arrest. Since he was USELESS for undercover work after that he decided to go to the feds. He then spent about 5 years working with the state department and DSS doing all sorts of secret squirrel shit across the globe while paying DC rent for a capitol hill apartment he was never at. That got old. So he put in for a transfer. This is about 5 years ago back in 2015.
He decided to go to ATF and be major league doorkicker. He goes to transfer and they need a DEEP background check. Like someone that's known him for 10+ years from hometown. He's low on contacts from home and he facebook messages me. He asks me if I can call back the background investigator and do an interview. I say sure, no problem. I am the ONLY person that's still in the same town from high school and everyone else is dead/in jail/would not make a good person to contact.
The guy calls me, comes by my office and interviews me, asks me about my friend, I told him all the embarrassing stories from high school including the time he lost a bet, had to wear a dress and smear ranch dressing all over his face while holding a sign that said "NOT MILK! and we took polaroids. Yeah. Anyways, despite all that he gets the approval and the shiny ATF badge. He's now kicking down doors in an undisclosed location in a major gun/drug trafficking corridor of the US and up to his eyeballs in arrests.
The reason I told you this story? He went to police academy in mobile, was a road cop outside mobile and a narcotics detective outside mobile. He did is MPA and doctorate there. He still has lots of friends in southern law enforcement.
I pick up the phone and call him. No answer, VM.
FC: Hey Eddie, you still have friends at the Mobile County Sheriffs Department? I've got some low hanging fruit for them to pick.
The entire bar has heard the dialogue and the following voicemail message and cracks up laughing. I'm offered 2 beers (I show them my AA chip, thanks but no thanks) and I get a bunch of attaboys from the salesmen.
So, I call back ATF Jane. ATF Jane has some colleagues in Mobile that she can call and I CC Eddie on the chain.
Today, I didn't even have to use my AK.
I got to say it was a good day.
Brb. Lasanga.

The Diamond Casino & Resort FAQ Megathread

Last updated 2:00 EST, 27 July
^{RIP my inbox}
All new posts asking about information already provided here will be removed and redirected here to reduce redundancy.

Release

As of 5:15 EST, the update has released on PS4, Xbox One, and PC.

3.4GB on PS4
3.2GB on Xbox One
2.9GB on Steam
2.6GB on Social Club.

On the note of releases... Some countries will not be able to access certain content from this update due to gambling laws. Thankfully though, players from these countries will still be allowed to download the update in general.

Money for Diamond Casino

For ways to make money to afford the new DLC content, along with methods to make an empty lobby to do CEO/MC work, check the Mega Guide.
Tips

You only need $50,000 to register as a VIP! If you have at least that much, you can register as a VIP for 4 hours and get access to VIP missions (which can be done in an invite only session), giving you a lucrative way to save up.
If you own both a crate warehouse and vehicle warehouse, you could use them together to make more money overtime than you could by using either exclusively. Use your sourcing/exports between crate pickups and sales, and you'll be getting the best of both worlds, gaining from the postive money-making aspects of both.

Content and Prices

Content that has initially released with the update.

Southern San Andreas Super Autos

Weeny Issi Sport - $897,000
Vapid Caracara 4x4 - $875,000

Legendary Motorsport

Annis S80RR: $2.6million
Enus Paragon R: $905,000
Obey 8F Drafter: $718,000
Truffade Thrax: $2.3million

Penthouses

Cash Pad: $1.5million
Party Penthouse: $3.78million
High Roller: $6.5million
"Design Your Own": $1.5million

Penthouse Customizations

Colour options: $215,000 or $258,500
Pattern options: $92,000 - $210,000

Penthouse Addons

Lounge Area: $400,000
Media Room: $500,000
Spa: $800,000
Bar and Party Hub: $700,000
Private Dealer: $1.1million
Office: $200,000
Extra Bedroom: $200,000
Garage: $800,000

Gambling

As this is a Casino-centric update, there's plenty of ways to gamble away your hard-grinded money.
The gambling in this game centers around a new form of currency, called Chips. These chips are pretty much like real-world gambling chips, with a one-to-one dollar value, except you keep your chips when you leave the casino. Chips are an actual currency in GTA Online, as they can be used to purchase exclusive items from a shop inside the casino, along with being used to bet with when playing the Gambling Games, listed below

Slot Machines: There's plenty of options to choose from, but they all perform the same way. Spend some chips, and let the RNG decide whether or not you earn anything from it.
Blackjack: Casino style blackjack with up to four simultaneous players, all of which play against the dealer. Anyone who beats the dealer individually wins, anyone who the dealer beats individually loses, and if the dealer gets Blackjack (an Ace and 10/face-card), everyone immediately loses. Assuming your initial hand isn't a Blackjack, you have the option of doubling-down, which doubles your initial bet with the caveat of only being able to hit once.
Poker: Three-card poker. You make your bets, check your hand, and similar to Blackjack, each player wins if their hand is better than the dealer's, and the dealer beats whoever has a worse hand than him. While there is no option to double-down, how much you win does depend on how good of a hand you have. The better your hand, the more you win. Also, while you can fold your hand, you lose your initial bet anyway.
Horse Racing: Pretty much standard horse racing bettering. You choose a horse, you put your money down, and if you bet correctly, you get double the amount you bet in return. Otherwise, you just lose the amount you bet.

To gain more chips, there is a counter inside the casino where you can buy them, however you are limited in how many you can buy per day (real-world 24 hours). As standard, you can buy a maximum of 20,000 chips per day, but if you own a penthouse of any tier, you can buy up to 50,000 chips per day. Chips can also be traded in for money, but there does not appear to be a limit on this. No matter how many chips you win from gambling, it appears that you can trade them all in at once for the equivalent dollar value.
Lastly, there is the Wheel. It's a roulette wheel that you can only spin once per day, which costs $500 per spin. There are twenty reward slots, and since some rewards are in multiple slots, they have greater chances of being selected. The biggest note about this wheel however is that there is one slot in which you can win a free car! What makes this so significant is that since the car takes a 1/20 slot on the wheel, that means you still have a 5% chance of winning a free high-value vehicle! Compared to most online games, that's pretty much the most generous RNG you can get.

Business and Missions

coming soon

FAQ

Are there any differences between the penthouses
For once, yes! Well, technically... they're the same basic property layout, but each option gives you different addon options.

The Cash Pad: The basic Penthouse with no property addons available . You cannot purchase a garage, extra bedroom, lounge, etc. with the Cash Pad. You can, however, purchase penthouse customizations (colour and wall patterns).
The Party Penthouse: Gives you certain of the addon options: the main Penthouse, the Extra Bedroom, the Lounge Area, the Spa, and the Bar and Party Hub. You are locked to these options, no more, no less.
The High Roller: Gives you all of the property addons as standard, and the most expensive penthouse customization options... this means that you cannot choose your own colour and wall patterns with this version.
The "Design Your Own": ...What should be the standard option. It gives you the basic penthouse and allows you to choose which addons and customizations you want, with an extra cost for each one, of course. Just get this one. You can also renovate this option later, allowing you to purchase more addons and change your customizations later.

What do the Penthouse Addons do?

Lounge Area: Allows you to purchase the other Penthouse Addons (except for the Extra Bedroom and Garage, which are the only items addons that can be purchased without a Lounge).
Media Room: You know the cinemas around Los Santos? The ones that play a few 5 minute animated films on repeat? That, but in a Penthouse.
Spa: Gives you access to a hot tub and a Personal Stylist. The Stylist's services are the same as the ones spread around Los Santos (hair, contacts, and make up), but they're all free.
Bar and Party Hub: Allows you to consume drinks that instantly intoxicate your character, along with access to special arcade games that aren't available anywhere else in the game.
Private Dealer: Allows you to play gambling games in your penthouse.
Office: Adds a standard computer, a Gun Locker, and a money vault (don't get excited, it's just aesthetic).
Extra Bedroom: Bedrooms in owned properties in GTA Online are used as spawn points, so why can you pay to have an extra one? Because you can now allow a friend of yours to claim it! The Extra Bedroom allows a friend of yours to use your penthouse as a spawn apparently, though the exact implementation of this is not completely clear.
Garage: Access to the Penthouse's garage bay.

How do I get the armored car?

To recieve the Enus Paragon R (Armoured), you have to complete the Diamond Casino's mission series, which you must own a penthouse to access. Once of the missions are complete, you'll be given the vehicle for free! But remember, it's uninsured and you only get it once, so immediately go into passive mode and take it to the nearest Los Santos Customs to insure it, or else you could lose the vehicle permanently.

Passive Mode

Good news, passive mode has been fixed!

Passive Mode can now no longer be active when using a weaponized vehicle

A Passive Mode cooldown of 2 minutes is now in place for players who have just killed another player

Players now must wait 5 minutes before they can activate Passive Mode again after disabling it

Players now must wait 30 seconds before they can disable Passive Mode after activating it

These changes make is so that grievers can no longer abuse passive mode, or at least no where near as easily. If you start to get the upper-hand on a griefer and destroy whatever death-machine they're using to troll you, or if you confront them in a death-machine of your own, they can't abuse Passive Mode to try to get the upper-hand on you!

Solo Session

Check the Mega Guide for ways to push yourself into a public Online session with no one else in it. Keep in mind that some missions and abilities are unavailable if there's no one else with you though!

Bugs and Glitches

Apparently on PS4 and Xbox One, you must have full size of GTA V available to download the update, so if you have less than ~60GB free, you may have trouble downloading the update. This does not mean that the entire game is re-downloaded, it just means that the update may not download if you don't have that much space available.

Credits

Special Thanks: u/Rebored_Warrior - Sent me the official patch notes link!

u/LordMcze - Information on countries that restrict players from gambling functions.

[Shattered Helix] - ‌1.07 ‌-‌ All That Work for Chits

~‌ ‌1.07 ‌-‌ All That Work for Chits ‌~‌
Kyle’s Apartment
Wednesday, June 11th
Opening his eyes, Kyle looked over at his alarm clock. The time was 7:14 in the morning. He had been in the game for a little over five hours this time. The teen got up and went to the bathroom to take care of his needs, then made a trip to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. Sitting down on the couch, he brought up a web browser on his augmented vision. Checking his favorite gaming news sites, he saw Massively OP already had a handful of articles about Fantasy. The top article talked about how Fantasy with the new Neurolink implant combined to create the first true digital world with all senses intact.
The writer wrote how he and another player became buddies with one of the town's guards and was able to find a hidden quest for him which didn’t show in their logs. They also became great friends with the guard and had pints of ale with him later that day. The author of the article went on to say he was able to talk to the guard about any subject. The guard responded and gave opinions on almost everything they talked about, like he was a real person with his own thoughts. The author’s main point about his first day playing was that the new AI systems that controlled each NPC was extraordinary.
He pulled up his email to see if Iron or Elen had gotten his contact details from Sinn3r and found nothing in his inbox. Checking on some other sites produced more of the same. Everyone was in love with the game, and people were foaming at the mouth to get their chance. The second batch of users were slated to start playing early next week with the Delve Neurolink. Kyle had figured most would start playing Fantasy with the capsules until they could upgrade their implants, but a few articles told players who wished to play with the implant to hold off on starting but didn’t give the reasons why. He sent an email to his Uncle William, letting him know how the game was and that he would be incognito for most of the summer playing Fantasy.
Finishing up on checking a few more sites and drinking his water bottle, Kyle closed out his augmented tabs in his vision and went back to bed.
“Initiate Delve.”
[Delve Initializing]
Kyle found himself flying through the stars at warp speed once again for a few moments before materializing on the back terrace of his house in his MicroWorld.
“Hey, Bob, can you make me the same Gnome as Flea in Fantasy here as well? The perspective shift is a bit hard to get used to.”
Kyle found himself shrinking down to his gnome avatar without Bob saying anything.
“Thank you, Bob.”
Now a Gnome, Kyle walked to the pavilion and by opening the door to Fantasy logged in.
The Drunken Ogre
2nd Spirtday of The Full Moon
Getting up from his bed in the inn, Flea grabbed everything out of the chest and made his way downstairs. A few players were still hanging around, chatting and drinking in the common room. The Gnome made his way outside and headed towards the town’s North Gate. He noticed a different guard stationed there, nodded to him as he left the town. He could only make out a few players farming the rabbits this late at night, as he got closer to the yellow fields.
Walking through the field with his daggers in hand, he made sure to be on the lookout for any rabbit trying to surprise him. Making it to the tree line, he started looking for the Hollyhock he needed. It was then Flea realized a considerable problem; he couldn’t make out shit in the dark.
How are the other players able to see the rabbits well enough to farm them?
Catching one of the players in his sight, he was able to see the player and cursed. He was an Elf, so he assumed he had some type of night vision that helped them farm at night. Flea decided to go back up to the gate and asked the guard if he had an extra torch lying around.
“Too dark for you little one?” the guard asked as Flea got closer.
“Got it in one!” Flea smirked. “Any chance you have any extra torches lying around?
“Sure, we got a ton of them in the shed over near the wall left of the gate. You can take one or two; each will last you all night.”
“Thank you. During the night, is there anything else I should worry about?”
“I’d stay away from the forest at night, as the terrorbears come out in full force. Without a small hunting party, they will rip most people to shreds. Your best bet would head to the mines near the lake at night and mine. There is silver in the mountain, and the runoff has deposited plenty of silver into the lake over the ages, keeping monsters far from its shores.”
“That's what I’ll do then. You know where I can get a pickaxe?”
“You’ll probably find them all over the mines, they are bulky, and no one wants to waste a space inside their bags to store a basic one, so they usually leave them at the entrances.”
“Didn’t even think of that. You’ve been a huge help. Thank you. I’m Flea. Is there anything I could help you with to repay the favor?” Flea asked, hoping to try and buddy up with the guard.
“No problem, Flea, I’m Telen. If you happen to find any extra silver, I could use a couple of chunks. I’m an apprentice Jewelsmith, but silver is hard to come by. Making rings out of iron doesn’t help when you need to learn to work with higher-grade materials.”
“If I happen to find any silver, I’ll think of you first, Telen. I’m off. Thanks again for the info and torches.”
Flea walked over to the shed, opening it. Inside he found barrels with tons of torches in them. Grabbing one, he found the torches’ head was soaking underneath the water at the barrel’s bottom. Taking the torch, he whipped it towards the ground a few times to get the water off the head. Walking over to a torch on the wall, Flea lit it. For the second time that night, he headed out the gate and down the hill. Getting to the bottom, he took a left from the path and headed away from the fields and towards the lake.
It took Flea well over thirty minutes to reach the shore of the lake. Skirting around the lake to the left, he started his trot towards the ridge in the distance. Getting closer, Flea could make out a couple of cave entrances in the distance with warm glows of a torch in them. Flea assumed these caves had players inside already mining.
Walking for a couple more minutes, Flea found himself near the ridge. Walking to his right and keeping the rise to his left, he started looking for one of the mine entrances. It didn’t take long before Flea found one thirty feet ahead of where he had been. Entering the shaft, he looked around but couldn’t find any pickaxes. Checking the next five mines provided nothing as well. He found a couple of pickaxes inside the seventh mine. Grabbing the smallest one, he walked deeper into the mine.
The entire mine shaft looked the same to him. Flea couldn't make out any veins or discolored chunks on the wall. He spent a large amount of time going down the mine shaft and back up to the entrance and not finding anything. He assumed it was just an empty mine. Deciding to go into one of the caves with the glow of a torch at the entrance and hoping to find a player. Upon entering the first lit up entrance, he found a player with a race he was not expecting. A single dark-green goblin with huge pointy ears was cursing up a storm and slamming his pickaxe against the wall over and over.
“Hello?”
“Oie, what's your problem, you bloody cunt?” The goblin shouted out in fright as he jumped back deeper into the mine.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. I was trying to figure out how to mine. I couldn’t see any iron or veins on the wall to mine in the shafts I’ve checked. I figured I'd come to ask another player if they had any luck. Also, why in the hell a Goblin?”
“No worries, just scare easily at my age. I’ve always chosen a Goblin for my characters. I always end up playing some type of tinker or engineer and wanted to keep it going. I’m Khorwin, by the way, and to answer your question about mining. I’m having a fuck all time myself. I’ve been in almost all of these tunnels, and I’ve yet to find any type of metal anywhere in the first couple hundred feet of the entrance. I’m just randomly digging to see what it gets me.”
“Names Flea, and that's what I’d have done too. Want to share the tunnel and try and figure this out?”
“That sounds like a splendid plan. Let’s go deeper down the cave then. I didn’t want to adventure and travel deeper going solo. It’s rather spooky. I swore I heard low moans coming from deeper down, but with the two of us, it shouldn’t be too bad.”
Khorwin grabbed his torch, pulling it out of the crack he had wedged it into, and they headed off deeper into the cave. They traveled in silence for what seemed like an hour before they found the first hint of what they were looking for, spotting small red flecks among the walls of the shaft. Five minutes later, they came across a sizable reddish-brown vein within the rock low to the ground.
“Well, it seems the mine was bare till here. At Least the vein is lower to the ground for us,” said Khorwin.
He then jammed his torch into a crack on the wall to the right of the iron vein.
“Put yours somewhere to the left, and we should have plenty of light to start digging. Let's just mine out the vein till it’s gone, and we can split it up then.”
Flea followed suit and stuck his torch into the rock face to his left. Grabbing the pickaxe out of his inventory, he started to swing and strike at the vein. The two of them got into a rhythm, hammering away at the vein until nothing was left within the cave wall.
“I'd say we got a pretty good haul even after the split,” Khorwin said.
Flea wiped the sweat off his brow and sat down.
“How the hell aren’t you dying right now. I feel like I’ve just run a marathon.”
“Ah got two points in strength already. I got lucky with the rabbits yesterday and was able to get eight cores. With how much mining I plan on doing in the future, I figured it would help out.”
They took their time sorting through the chunks of rock and iron. After finishing up, each had forty-two pieces of iron. They agreed to head deeper into the mine to find more veins so they could sell it in the morning. The duo found two medium iron veins and a small silver vein through the night. When they finally left the cave the next morning, they had a hundred and ten chunks of iron and thirteen chunks of silver each.
“Thanks for the help man, this should make me enough money to pay for some more training. I’ll be up for more mining tonight if you’re available, man. If you need me, you can leave a message at The Drunken Ogre. That’s the inn I’m currently staying at,” Flea said.
“Oh, you bet your bollocks, I’ll take you up on that. These mines are bloody scary as shit when you're by yourself. The guard at the gate said they were safe at all times of the night, but are they really safe if we keep going deeper? I'd rather have someone with me. Want to meet back here at sunset?”
“Sounds good to me. I can finish my first three Adventurers’ Guild quests today. I’ll meet you back here at sunset then, glad I ran into you. I would have had a terrible night trying to find the iron by myself. See you tonight, Khorwin.”
Flea walked towards the forest to start looking for the Hollyhock he needed. In the morning sunlight, he was able to spot them easily in the shade of the larger trees. Two hours later, the morning’s three bells rang. He decided to stop gathering and head to the fields to fill his bag with rabbits. On the way to the fields outside town, he checked his magic bag.

		Magic Bag: 11/20
Noto Spawn Crystal	Starter Daggers	Travel Rations: 5	Canteen: Water	Rabbit Hide: 32
Rabbit Horn: 32	Noto Island Map	Iron Ore: 100	Iron Ore: 10	Silver Ore: 13
Hollyhock: 31

				2c

Krem, the Tanner, has requested thirty Horned Rabbit hides. [Completed]
- Return your chit to the Adventurers’ Guild
Blacksmith Grom has requested twenty-five iron ore. [Completed]
- Return your chit to the Adventurers’ Guild
The Silver Pestle has requested twenty bundles of Hollyhock. [Completed]
- Return your chit to the Adventurers’ Guild

[NF, HM] JANE FROM FOREVER AGO: Episode Two

JANE FROM FOREVER AGO Episode Two A Tenth Street Christmas
I was nineteen years old.
And life was good. I had recently moved out of my parents' house for the first time. I was now sharing a place with four of my best friends. There was Gabe the Gambler, Matt the Nerd, Brandon the Manwhore, and Tony the Troublemaker. Unfortunately, the only house that the five of us could afford to rent was in the absolute worst part of the city. The part of the city known as "Tenth Street".
My parents had tried to talk me out of moving to such a rough neighborhood. They said I'd get robbed and murdered. But I was young and stubborn. I wanted to be with my friends and have parties. So I refused to listen to them. I did, however, eagerly accept their moving out present to me. My very first cell phone. A Motorola RAZR. They wanted me to have it just so they could check in with me from time to time. And I definitely didn't complain. I mean, that shit was like the hottest cell phone out at the time. Just sayin'.
Anyways, everything to do with the new house started out awesome. Every night, my roommates and I had something fun going on and hot girls stopping by. But, unfortunately, it wasn't too long before we started running into problems. First, Brandon's car got broken into. Next, Matt had a package stolen off the front porch. And then one night, we actually caught some guy just snooping around and peeking through our windows. It was unnerving to say the least. Still, we tried our very, very best to make that house a home. Especially once Christmas rolled around.
My roommates and I really wanted to do something special for our first Christmas together. And after a drunken brainstorming session; we just decided on Secret Santa. We'd each pull the name of another roommate out of a hat, and then we'd buy him a super sweet gift. I pulled Gabe's name. And I was kind of upset. Not because I disliked Gabe or anything. Mostly just because I had no idea what I was going to get him. But I knew it had to be something awesome. So, one afternoon, about a week before the holiday; I went to the mall to track him down the perfect present.
I arrived at the mall and began walking around. After checking out a few stores and finding nothing, I decided to take a break and grab some lunch at the mall's food court. I got my tray from Taco Bell and sat down to eat. At first, I felt a little insecure about dining all alone, but I glanced around, and I noticed a number of other people also sitting by themselves. And that made me less uncomfortable. One of the people I noticed was a girl seated only a few tables away from me. She had her back to me, and I kept waiting for her to turn around so I could tell whether or not she was hot. Finally, she turned her head ever so slightly, revealing her face...and my heart completely stopped. It was Jane Lastname.
It had been a little over two years since that party where I had first reunited with Jane Lastname, my old childhood crush. And I hadn't seen or spoken to her since that night. I had imagined running into her again so many times, but I never thought it would actually happen. However, here she was. No more than thirty feet away from me. I took a second to get my shit together. I tried to track down all of the charisma and charm that I had inside of me. Then, I just stood up, grabbed my tray, and walked over to her table.
"Hi, is this seat taken?" Jane looked up to respond but then froze. That magical smile of hers began to slowly creep across her face. "IAN!" "Hi, Jane." She jumped out of her seat and immediately hugged me. The same way she had hugged me two years prior when we had first reconnected. "I can't believe it! What are you doing here?" she said, visibly overjoyed. "Well, I'm at the mall, Jane. So, ya know...I'm golfing." "Haha. Shut-up." "Sorry. But yeah, I'm just kinda shopping. Taking a quick lunch break." "Yeah, me too. Sit down. How have you been?"
I joined Jane at her table, and we started catching up while finishing our lunch. We talked about inadvertently getting separated that fateful night a couple of years ago. We talked about all the stuff that was currently going on in our lives. We again talked about our pets. Even though we hadn't seen in each other in forever; I felt like I was having a conversation with one of my best friends. Plus, there was that damn smile, man. It was just so pretty. It once again began sending fireworks exploding throughout my body every time it flashed across her face.
Jane revealed that she was at the mall trying to find the right Christmas gift for her friend and coworker, Jasmine. I explained that I was there looking to complete a similar task for my roommate, Gabe. So, after we were done eating, I suggested that we finish our shopping together. And she gleefully agreed.
We ended up walking around the mall together for hours. We stopped in almost every single store and just kinda screwed around. It was so much fucking fun, man. We weren't even really shopping. We were just talking, and sharing stories, and making each other laugh. We each kept coming up with horrible suggestions for the other person to buy their friend. She tried getting me to buy Gabe every Meg Ryan movie ever on DVD. I tried getting her to buy Jasmine a $300 gift certificate to the mall's soft pretzel stand. In reality, neither one of us were getting anywhere near finding an actual present. But we were both having too great of a time to care.
The mall was crowded with other holiday shoppers and completely decked out with festive lights and decorations. Soon, Jane and I came upon the classic staple of Christmastime shopping...SANTA! We stopped to watch some of the little kids sit on Santa's lap and tell him all the crazy presents they hoped to find under their tree. Unfortunately, it wasn't too long before Santa noticed us and shouted over. "Well, Ho Ho Ho! Look at this cute young couple. How would you two lovebirds like to have your picture taken on Santa's lap?" I laughed, but quickly interjected. "Thanks, Santa, but we're actually not a..." I was cut off by Jane. She grabbed my hand and started pulling me towards him. "C'mon. It'll be fun." She smiled that damn smile at me, and I couldn't protest. We climbed up on top of Santa's lap, and posed as the photographer snapped our pic. Afterwards, I paid an extra few dollars for a second copy, so we could each have one. It really was an adorable picture. We both just looked so happy.
We kept walking around the mall and making silly jokes to each other. We eventually came upon a little sports memorabilia store. I had earlier described Gabe as being a big gambler, and Jane pointed out a really nice set of poker chips for sale. I realized that they would actually be like the perfect gift for him. I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of it. I bought them, and we continued strolling through the mall. Soon, we came across The Disney Store. We went in and began browsing, when I noticed a pair of Princess Jasmine pajamas. They looked just like the outfit that the cartoon Jasmine had worn in Aladdin. Jane loved them and thought her friend would find them hilarious. She bought them, and then we both celebrated the fact that we had actually managed to find presents.
Before we knew it, we had spent the entire afternoon and most of the evening together. We covered every square inch of the mall. We finally returned to the food court where our journey had first begun. I knew our time would be coming to a close soon, so I decided I'd better make a move. "Well, Jane, I guess it's almost time for us to be calling it a night. Unless you wanna do another few laps just to make sure we didn't miss anything?" "Haha. Yeah, screw that. I'm officially shopped out. Plus, I'm pretty sure they're going to be closing soon." "Yeah, I know, I'm just kidding. But, umm, I just wanna say; I really had fun with you today. I'm so glad we bumped into each other." "Aw. Ian. I had a lot of fun today too. You're so damn funny. You really make me smile." "Well, I'm glad, because you have a really, really pretty smile. It does this whole firework thing to me." "Haha. Aw. I'm not really sure what that means. But, thanks. We should hang out again." "We definitely should. What are you doing next week? Wanna grab dinner or something?" "Well, I actually have this Christmas party at my friend's house on Thursday night. It's probably going to be kinda lame or whatever, but, umm, would you maybe wanna be my date?" "Absolutely I would, Jane. I fucking love lame stuff." "Haha. Perfect. Let me give you my phone number."
I pulled out my Motorola RAZR cell phone. I'm not gonna say Jane was impressed by it, but I assume she was. I mean, after all, it was like the hottest cell phone out at the time. Just sayin'. Anyways, she gave me her number, and I programmed it in. I asked her where she had parked her car. I was parked in the same general area, so I offered to walk her out.
It was dark, cold, and snowing ever so lightly outside. Jane grabbed my hand so she wouldn't slip as we stepped off the sidewalk and into the icy parking lot. We continued holding hands until we made it to her car. I knew it was time to say goodbye. But I just really wanted to kiss her. So I went for it. And there in that moonlit mall parking lot, as snowflakes danced to the ground around us; we shared the type of kiss that you would usually only see at the very end of an old Hugh Grant movie. Afterwards, Jane made me promise I'd call her to setup plans for her friend's party, then we finally said our goodbyes, and she drove off.
I left the mall that night in one of best moods of my life. I could hardly contain my joy as I drove home. I thought back to the evening of that party a couple of years ago. I remembered thinking, that night, that maybe Jane could possibly be my soulmate. And I'm still not saying I thought she WAS my soulmate. But, seriously, what were the odds of the two of us running into each other like that today? And then having that much fun just walking around the mall? And then sharing what can only be described as the most perfect first kiss of all time? I just couldn't help thinking that maybe it was fate. Maybe we were just meant to be together. Maybe she really was my soulmate.
I was still lost in my thoughts when I made it back to the parking lot by my house. There was no overnight parking on Tenth Street, so my roommates and I would always use this parking lot about half a block away. I couldn't wait to get inside and tell them all about my day. I wasn't sure if Gabe would be home or not, so I decided to leave his gift in my car just to be safe. I found a parking spot, hopped out, and happily began the short walk to my door.
I wasn't really paying much attention as I made my way to the house. I was just whistling a Christmas carol. And thinking about Jane. And our kiss. And calling her to set up our soon to be first date. When suddenly..
"Hey, man. You got the time?"
I looked up. There were two guys walking towards me on the sidewalk. Two very big guys. I should've thought about things for a second before replying. But I didn't. I was just feeling really awesome, and they were simply asking me for the time. So, I said, "You betcha." Then, I pulled out my Motorola RAZR cell phone. Ya know, the hottest phone out at the time. And I held it up in front of the two very big guys. Who were going for a walk. Late at night. In the middle of winter. Through my really bad neighborhood.
"It looks like it's just after 10 o'clock, guys." "Hey, that's a really nice phone." "Oh, thanks. It's actually a Motorola RA--"
I never got that last syllable out. Everything happened so fast. I'm honestly not even sure which of the two guys hit me. But one of them suddenly did. Right in the stomach. Really fucking hard.
The punch instantly knocked the wind straight out of me. I dropped my phone and fell to the ground in unimaginable pain. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. I couldn't shout for help. I couldn't do anything. I could just lay there coughing. And I could simply watch, through my tear-filled eyes, as those two fucking assholes picked up my phone, laughed, took off running down the street, and eventually disappeared into the night.
I stayed there, lying on that cold sidewalk, crippled by pain and struggling to catch my breath, for what felt like an eternity. I couldn't even believe what had just happened. I fucking loved that phone. I just felt like crying. And then I realized something. It wasn't only the phone that I had just lost. I had also just lost Jane Lastname's fucking number! And that's when I actually started crying.
I eventually crawled to my house, made it inside, and explained to my roommates everything that had happened. They all flipped out and got super pissed about it. Except for Gabe. He was pretty pissed; but he was also just really happy that I had left his Secret Santa gift in my car, and that it was safe. I ended up calling the cops and filing a police report, but nothing ever really came from it. I also called my parents. They had always said I'd get murdered and robbed living on Tenth Street. It sucked, but I had to tell them that they'd only really been half-wrong.
The next few days I did everything I could do to try and come up with Jane's number. But I never did. She wasn't in the phonebook. I couldn't find her on MySpace. I even called my brother to see if he happened to have her brother's number from when they played hockey together like ten years ago; but he obviously didn't. I searched far and wide, but I just couldn't find a way of getting in touch with her.
And so that was it. Thursday arrived. The day that we were supposed to be going on our first date together. But since I had no way of reaching her. There was no date.
Well...at least not yet.
THE END
Jane From Forever Ago will return with Episode Three: Ian and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Break-Up

DEMOLITION DAYS, PART 86

That reminds me of a story.
After that last one, I thought you might all enjoy a short follow up.
After Al, Chuck, Leo, returned to their other lives back in the world, they kept getting requests from various Agencies and Bureaus for more mine closure data, mostly focusing upon lines of documentation. The various Bureaus desired monographs, road guides, technical reports, and most importantly, detailed step-by-step “How To” manuals.
My guys, now my fully credentialed doctored colleagues, were predictably reticent to write up “How To” manuals for something that was obviously not of their authorship nor inception.
“Fuckin’-A, Rock,” Leo tells me in a phone call, “They want me to fuckin’ basically claim-jump you writing up mine closing procedures. What’s with these goatfuckers? They figured they paid you enough and are now trying to run a goddamned end around? Collective shitheels. No fucking way I’d even think of crossing, even accidently, the Motherfuckin’ Pro from Dover.”
I replied that I had no idea, as after the initial contacts after the field season, I had heard precisely dick from any of the bureaus. Which is fine, as I’m busier than a one-armed paperhanger in a windstorm getting ready to shift the family some 12,700 kilometers east.
I thanked Leo for the intel and told him not to worry, it’s just bureaucracy misfiring at its finest.
“Fuckin’-A, Bubba,” replies Leo as he hangs up.
It suddenly goes all dusty in my office. “I’ve trained that boy well,” I sniff and chuckle heartily.
A short while later, Al wrote me that he’s been contacted by the Bureau/Agency and they are desirous that he lead a field trip with a gaggle of professors from various universities. They are also not all geologists, but Environmental Scientists, Hydrologists, something called an “Environmental Engineer,” and other forms of societal detritus.
He tells me that they wanted him to lead a group of these characters out into the desert for a couple of weeks and show them the mine closure procedures which he developed.
He was most adamant in assuring me that they contacted him, and that the terminology was also theirs. He was already otherwise engaged, so he naturally had to decline. However, he made it abundantly clear that he would never even entertain such a notion like the one they had posited.
I wrote him back, as he was down in Patagonia doing something more or less interesting and/or exciting, thanking him for the information and wishing him well on his expedition. Since he was in the field, I also included a couple of the recipes we enjoyed back in the Nevada desert.
He later tells me that the Gauchos he was working with down there have never heard of Pineapple Upside Down Cake and they absolutely were delighted by it. Come to find out, they also like potato juice and citrus drinks as well.
“Good ol’ Dr. Good-deed. Aide to all men.” I pondered.
I talked with Esme about all this and she was of the opinion that either they knew I was headed east or they wanted me to have some time off. I had been doing a lot of ad hoc work for both Agencies and Bureaus over the last few years.
“Of course,” I replied, “Never ascribe to malice what can best be defined by governmental bureaucracy and officiousness.”
So, time puttered on.
We were holding weekly ‘GROJ (Get Rid Of Junk) sales’ on our weekends. Since everything electrical we possessed was 120 VAC, and the rest of the world, it seems, is 220 VAC, I had to part with all my antiquated electronics. My Fisher Studio-Standard stereo system, Akai reel-to-reel 16-track tape machines, EMI TG12345 MK IV recording console, and Harmon-Kardon turntables and amplifiers.
It was painful. However, I rationalized, if I were to stick them in storage for a decade or two, I’d have re-paid for them via rental fees a couple or three times over. Plus, and all that sitting unused in a storage locker certainly wouldn’t be good for these vintage electronical gizmos.
Still, it was a painful time to pack them into the back of someone else’s vehicle.
I had to take all my firearms to my Brother-in-Law for safekeeping. Since he’s in Kentucky, he was both happy to accept and vowed to give them regular workouts. Even though he’s some form or another of mechanical engineer, I guess I could trust him.
One day, the home phone rings. It’s Chuck and he’s livid.
“Rock!” he hollers, “You know what those chapped bastards at the Bureau want from me? They want me to step in on your turf, and take a clan of idiot pseudo-geologists out in the field for a couple of weeks and train them in mine closing. Can you fucking believe that?”
“Chuck,,” I say, “Whoa. Cool down. Leo and Al report the same, so it just looks like you were next on the list. So, going to take them up on their offer?”
“Don’t make me laugh, Doc!” Chuck asks, “First: I’m busy. Second: I wouldn’t have the foggiest idea how to handle logistics, camping, explosives, and all that other bureaucratic horseshit you somehow put up with. Third: I really don’t want a midnight visit from you and your bag of tricks because I’ve pissed you off by taking credit for what’s rightfully yours.”
“What is the fucking deal?” I ask Chuck, “I’m not like that at all. Everyone thinks I’m going go out and frag them because the Bureau asks them to do a job I did previously. Damn, I’m the most laid-back, gregarious, and even-tempered person on the planet; and I’ll mutilate the miserable manky motherfucker that says I’m not.”
Chuck laughs nervously.
“Hyperbole aside,” I continue, “It’s just that they know I’m headed out to the Middle East and don’t want to bother me right now; I suppose.”
“Umm, Rock,” Chuck clears his thought, and gulps, “That’s not the reason they told me.”
“Is that a fact?” I ask, “What did they give as a reason?”
“Now, Rock, don’t take this wrong. This is Bureau-speak, not me,” Chuck wants to make the point vodka-clear, “But they felt you were the wrong person to lead this group of ‘scholars’. They were concerned with your…”
Hesitation.
“Spill it, Chuck,” I say.
“Demeanor,” Chuck says, “Your conduct, your deportment, your behavior…”
“I see someone got a Thesaurus for Christmas,” I said.
“Rock, that’s them, not me,” Chuck continues, “They said you are too ‘wild and wooly’ to conduct this field expedition of ‘noted scholars’.”
“Is that a fact?” I ask, rhetorically.
“Just reporting to you what they told me, Bossman.” Chuck offers.
“I appreciate it, Chuck. Thanks.” I reply, “Don’t sweat it. I’ll take it from here.”
You could hear an audible expression of relief when we broke connection.
After a couple of cocktails, I had simmered down a bit. Esme says that I need to call my Agency buddies and get the lowdown on the situation, as they’ll know what’s going on.
For once, Esme is also very, very pissed off about the whole situation. Mama Bear’s claws were getting sharpened.
“You are gone for months,” Es exclaims, “Train a bunch of greenhorns, exceed project requirements by over 200%, supply crucial scientific data on forensic activities, and take out a disaster they didn’t even know existed in that mine with the locker full of explosives!”
“Yeah,” I reply, “Does seem a wee bit unappreciative.”
“And then they pull this kind of shit!,” Es yells further, “Those ungrateful bastards. Fuck ‘em. Let them stew in their own futility. They call and you tell them to get stuffed. After all you did for them…”
“Now, now, Dearest,” say, “Let me call Rack and Ruin. If anyone has the skinny on all this, they’ll have all the latest dope.”
“Bastards!,” Es cries, “You damn near get killed several times over and this is their thanks?”
“Yeah, I know, Darling,” I say, “Does seems a bit ungrateful and duplicitous.”
Esme hands me the phone.
“Phone. Call. Now.” She orders.
Looks like I just got my marchin’ orders.
“Yes, my love,” I reply. Even I know when I’m out-matched.
RING RING RING
Agent Rack answers and we go through the usual pleasantries…
“What the flying fuck you mean ‘I’m too dangerous’?” I question Agent Rack.
“Well, Doctor,” Rack tries to explain, “Your ‘cavalier’ attitude towards explosives. More of your ‘relationship’ with them. Not showing the proper deference…”
“WHAT?,” I roar, “Ask anyone that has worked with me in the field! ‘Safety first, last, and foremost’. Just that I don’t fret and quail around explosives like a bunch of phonophobic, jumped-up, wet-pantied shuddering schoolgirls, when I have to demolish something, doesn’t mean I’m anything other than a goddamned consummate professional.”
“Plus, Doctor, ” Rack continues, “It’s not the 1880’s any longer. A Stetson? A sidearm? A .454 Casull Magnum at that…”
“You have got to be yanking my crank here, Rack.” I angrily reply, as I really hate it when someone calls me Doctor like that, “The hat keeps the sun off my head so I don’t get addled like those fuckers you’re talking with at the Bureau. The sidearm is for safety. Oh, yes; there’s that word again. It’s a fucking tool, just like my Estwing hammers or my galvanometer.”
“Can’t kill anyone with a galvanometer,” Rack replies.
“But I could with a hammer, myriad ways” I reply, “And give me five minutes, I’d figure out a way to ‘extract’ someone with a galvanometer...”
“Doctor, do let me let you talk with Agent Ruin; I’m needed elsewhere,,” he tells me.
Agent Ruin takes the phone. It’s the old Agency Two-Step.
“Doctor is distraught,” he observes.
“No, ‘Doctor’ is just plain damned mad.” I reply, “They contract me for a job that has never been attempted before and I complete it beyond their wildest expectations! This is my recompense?”
“Well, Doctor,” Ruin continues, “I’m sure it’s strictly a business decision. It’s obviously nothing personal.”
“It sure as fuck sounds personal,” I gripe back, as now I’ve gone from annoyed to genuinely pissed off, “I’m surprised they didn’t say something derogatory about my Hawaiian shirts.”
“Oh, they did,” Agent Ruin lets slip.
“Oh? OK, Fine. That’s is then,” I reply, “The joyfulness of this whole experience has left the building. Tell them to strike me from their fucking list. I’m done with them. I wash my hands of them. I’m off east anyways. Fuck that bunch of paper-pushing, deskbound, pencil-necked dickheads. Fuck them. Fuck them solid. Fuck them ‘till they bleed.”
“Strong message to follow,” I add.
“Doctor,” Agent Ruin reminds me, “Do I need to remind you that all our conversations are recorded?”
“Oh, fuck no. I know that. So fucking what?” I growl, “Like I’m going to get tossed in Guantanamo for expressing a personal opinion? I can still do that in this fine country. Or has the First Amendment been repealed in my absence?”
“Doctor, you’re obviously agitated,’ Ruin adds, “Perhaps we’ll talk again later when you’ve calmed down before you head to the Middle East.”
“Yeah, about that,” I reply, “You shady characters can cross me off your fucking list as well. You’ve done nothing for me on this latest concern. Nothing! You couldn’t even give me the courtesy of a motherfucking heads-up. Guess that tells me all I need to know about the future of our relationship. Goodbye, Agent Ruin. Give Agent Rack my ‘Da Svidonya. I won’t be answering your calls any longer.
“Doctor, I, um, wait…”Agent Ruin sputters.
I continue: “And as long as I’m at it, tell that other Bureau to go hang as well. They want more data or shit from me, tell them to go find it elsewhere. And also tell them good luck with that. The three experts that exist in the world apart from me already told them to get bent. At least they possess loyalty and a dollop of comradeship. I’ll be shipping your phone and other items back via parcel post. Hasta la vista, Herr Ruin. Have a day.”
CLICK-KER -FUCKING-SMASH! I hang up in the rudest way possible.
“Clapped-out assholes,” I muse. “All those years of working together. All those years of building relationships around the world. It’s all kyboshed over a fucking Hawaiian shirt. I guess it was inevitable. Either I became too specialized or evolved myself out of being useful to them. Ah, well, their loss. Can’t be helped…”
I take a healthy swig right from the prime vodka bottle. OK, several.
“FUCKERS!” I scream at the wood-paneled ceiling, shaking my fist in vehement rage at the clouds coolly cruising by outside my window.
Esme doesn’t come running. She doesn’t have to. She knows the score.
I ship the Agency’s toys back to them with a terse note: “Thanks for all the nothing. Here’s your shit back. Dr. Rocknocker. PS: Get stuffed.”
Not my best effort, I’ll agree. However, I was really pissed at that point.
Now I have the time to devote solely to relocating my family and I overseas. Gad, there’s so much crap one must go through. What to sell, what goes in storage, what to trash, what to give away…the lists are endless.
First to go are all my power tools. Fuckbuckets. It took me decades to amass that collection. I got a good price, sure, but now I’m more or less without a hobby. We decide to put all Esme’s lapidary equipment in storage. It’s too specialized to generate much interest, much less a decent price. Besides, they won’t rot in our absence.
I can ship my fishing gear and golf clubs overseas. They’re American, but at least not 120 VAC.
Our house goes on the market and we have to get it spiffed to within an inch of its life. Got to have that ‘curb appeal’. Good, let someone else do it, I’m busy. More unexpected expense.
I give our house contractors out in New Mexico their marching orders. It’s going slow and will be a seasonal thing, but they guarantee me the house will be ready by next summer if they can source the slabs of Baraboo Quartzite I want. Splendid, that’s something I don’t have to follow up on every day.
Then there’s our aquarium. 250 gallons of treated Houston water, loaded with native Texan fish and a couple of cranky Jack Dempseys. All the gear, filters, pumps, water polishers, heaters, treaters, all of it. Has to go.
My ex-Utah Mormon drinking buddy down the road expresses interest. I basically let him have it gratis on the one condition he takes everything, fish included. He has to keep the fish alive and happy their entire lives. I’ve raised some from minnows and have grown attached to a couple of the gaspergou and a certain smallmouth bass with those big brown eyes…
Digger, my stalwart mechanic, is going to purchase my truck. It’s a bittersweet parting, but at least I know it’ll have a great home. Digger is going to use it as both his personal truck and his company’s hot-shot vehicle for pick-up and delivery of everything from batteries to full drivetrains. I know the vehicle will be in good hands.
Our Land Rover is up for grabs. Few are interested, though; buyer’s market. It’s a couple of years old and has lots of miles, due to Houston being so stupid-big. I order an extra-large bottle of AstroGlide as I know I’m going to be taking it up the ass on this one…
Finally, our pets.
Reluctantly, I’ve agreed to take the cat. It’s a stupid little feline that I figure we can just toss in a suitcase and drag it with us overseas. No, I guess we’ll get a cat-carrier and figure it out with the airlines.
Then there’s Lady. 135 kilos of dopey puppy. She’s getting up in years, as well, especially for a giant breed. Luckily, overseas we’ll be living on a Western compound. So if we go through all the rigmarole of quarantine, getting her a ‘pet passport’, and shipping via a specialist service, Lady can bark at the tenets of pre-Islam (dogs really aren’t haram), and actually join us in our new home.
This is going to cost a fortune, but I don’t care. She’s an integral part of the family, she is going to join us.
I find a Pet Relocation Service and begin the masses of insane paperwork. It’s an ‘all-in’ service, basically door-to-door. But do not be deluded, they charge every micrometer of the way.
Vaccinations, chipping (she already was fitted with an RFID chip), booking, boarding, securing vet services, obtaining health certificates, securing import permits, dealing with all issues related to customs clearance, interacting with foreign agents, supplying IATA approved crates, and obtaining Municipality tags registration for new arrivals.
Gonna cost me a couple-three-four kilobucks. Worth every penny.
Esme, the kids and I are working on beginning packing, tossing this, wrapping that, sentimentalizing over the other thing when we get a ring at the door.
It’s a bonded courier. He has a package for me.
It’s of the size that would contain about 6-months’ worth of Playboy magazines, and has no external address. I sign for the thing and walk back to the kitchen.
“What you got there, Rock?” Es asks.
“Not sure,” I reply, “But it came via bonded courier.”
“Well, open it,” Es smiles. She loves surprises.
I do so and it’s a series of articles, re-prints, and other information regarding Nevada, mine closures, and the Mine Closure Act. There’s also a number of newspaper and magazine clippings that had been photo-copied into a dozen-page document. All of them, write-ups and reviews from different newspapers, house organs, and journals citing my work with the guys out in the field.
I open it further and there’s a personal note from Dr. Sam Muleshoe, and a certified check, made out in my name.
Seems I was correct. After exhausting their leads with Al, Leo, and Chuck, they have spent near a month trying to find someone to take over the project. “To fill my shoes,” as Dr. Sam Muleshoe notes.
They came up totally empty.
“Told ya’ so.” I gloated. Esme smiles a wide schadenfreude-fueled smile.
I look at the check. It’s plenty healthy, but not superhero strength.
I show Es and she laughs out loud.
“So,” Es whoops, “They think they can get back in your good graces by buying you off? Hah! Fat chance,” she says and regards the check, “Hell. They’re not even close.”
I agree with Esme passionately.
I write a quick, hand-scribbled note to Dr. Muleshoe, thanking him for the information. I give several options, some admittedly anatomically impossible, regarding what he can do with the check and the Bureau’s offer.
I wrap it back up with duct-tape, call the courier service, and return it to Reno, COD.
A couple of days later, I receive a phone call. Surprise, surprise, it’s from Reno.
“Rock, it’s Reno!,” Es tells me.
I shake my head “no!” slicing my hand through the air in the head-chop mime.
“Tell him I’ve gone bush in darkest Outer Albania and you have no idea when I’ll be back,” I say.
Esme looks a bit sheepish, as we can hear the phone remark: “I can hear you, you know.”
“Fuckbuckets,” I think, “OK, hand me the rap-rod.”
“Yeah?” I growl, very grizzly-like into the infernal communication device.
“Hello, Rock. This is Sam Muleshoe,” the phone reports.
“Damn,” I exclaim, “I guess you characters can’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Which word fucking confused you?”
“Rock, what’s the god damned deal?,” Sam asks innocently, “Why all the bloody hostility?”
“Oh, double-fuck me!” I say metaphorically, “Don’t act like you don’t know. Try and snake the latest field mine closing job out from under me and try to snag my guys. Then, when that fails, give some sort of bullshit report to Rack and Ruin. You think I’m ‘too cavalier’, too “wild and wooly’, and think I’m some goddamned 19th-century throwback that loves horrible Hawaiian shirts…”
“Doc?,” Sam asks, “Are you currently fucking drunk? What the actual fuck are you rabbeting on about?”
“Sam, I’m stone-cold fucking sober,” I reply, “Yeah. I know, that’s a first. But listen here Scooter. You must have balls of brass trying to sweet-talk me into running another field course after all you did…”
“Rock,” Sam pleads, “Please, believe me, I have no idea what you’re on about. Can we talk and maybe figure this thing out?”
“No!,” I holler, “I’m done talking with the likes of your Bureau. Nothing you can do or say to rebuild the bridges they’ve burned with me.”
“OK,” he says, “Doct…, err, Rock, buddy. Calm your tits. Give me the Reader’s Digest version. I’ll look into it, because I have absolutely no idea what this is all about. This really sounds serious, with fuck-up overtones. Trust me, I’m serious as the last cold can of beer on a field trip.”
“Marvelous.” I say, “I guess I owe you that much. Professional courtesy. At least one of us has the grit to employ some.”
So, I run through the tale of the travails of Al, Chuck, and Leo. Then my little difference of opinion with Agents Rack, Ruin, and the Agency. Plus my severing of ties with both that Agency out on the east coast and the Bureaus in the great American Southwest.
“Doctor,” Sam says intently, “I know it’s going to be difficult, but I swear on a box of your finest cigars with a vodka chaser that I didn’t know anything about all this nor did it come from this office. Por favor señor, let me do some digging. I’ll be back in touch.”
“Sam,” I say, thinking over the situation, “Yeah…I must apologize for my previous outbursts. I should have known you’re not behind this idiocy. Yeah, go do some fossicking. Let me know what you dig up. Again, sorry. I was a bit…animated.”
“Rock,” Sam chuckles, “Do you think that I’d dare anger someone like you? You must think I’ve got a serious case of cranial lithification to cheese-off the Motherfucking Pro from Dover!”
At this point, I knew that Sam was also only collateral damage; he too was caught in the crossfire. Ground zero for the original attacks lie elsewhere within the Bureau.
Esme and I go back to preparing for our trip coming up in 2 months. But Jesus Q. Christwagons, there’s so much to do. Everything you own; it gets packed, stored, or trashed.
It’s the decisions that get so tiring. Keep. Toss. Sell. Burn. Leave on someone’s doorstep.
I propose to Es that we just do the basic necessities. Then we hire some firm to finish up for us. It’d be worth the cost since just think what we’d be saving on aspirin and Ace Bandages.
Esme readily backs the idea that we should turn the job over to someone else. Plus in the interim, we can take a trip back home to Baja Canada so the kids could visit their grandparents, we visit our family, and all of us could cool out a bit before the big trip east.
I need to drop by Big Ray’s Tap for a few hours/days anyways.
Old commitments.
We’d go the beginning of our last month here in the States, spend a couple of weeks visiting family at home, leave the kids with the grandparents to get spoiled rotten. Es and I would return to Houston to finalize everything.
Then Es and I would fly from Houston to that damn sprawling annoyance of an airport on the big lake in Illinoise. The family would meet us there, handover the kids, and we’d all haul ass eastwards to the Middle East.
I readily agreed. Anything has to be better than dealing with this crapola.
Lady and the stupid cat would go to the pet schleppers a little early. Sure, it’d cost a few more dinars, but that’s one big headache sorted.
So, late one afternoon, I’m sitting in my office, trying to figure out exactly what reference works I couldn’t live without.
Compton’s? Save. Field Guide to Fungus? Toss. No, wait a minute. Could prove useful.
That’s why this is taking forever.
The phone rings.
It’s Sam.
“Hello, Sam,” I say, “What news?”
“Goddamn it all to fucking hell and back,” Sam roars.
“That’s a unique greeting,” I reply.
“I finally drilled down to the bottom of all this horseshit.,” Sam replies, “And it’s a real bowl of fuck all the way south.”
“I’m listening,” I say, “Actually, Sam, hold on. I need a drink. Moment.”
I give Es the high sign, note it’s Sam on the phone, and that I’ll be in my office if she hears any screaming.
I amp up my drink and return to my office, closing the door behind me.
Lady is here, waiting to keep my feet warm.
“OK Sam, your nickel,” I say, “What’s the scoop?”
“Would you believe?,” he begins, “That all batshittery this came from accounting and bookkeeping?”
“Well,” I reply, “I’ll have to admit that I’m not overly surprised.”
“Yeah,” Sam continues, “I was off on holiday. My first two weeks off after 5 years. My very temporary replacement received a memo from the head of the Bureau that there was great interest in you leading a shortened version of your last trip to demonstrate to a bunch of different university PhDs in the care and feeding of abandoned mines. Seems the Bureau Chief was very impressed with what you and your team accomplished.”
“OK,” I reply, “With you so far. So, where did things get wrapped around a tractor’s nuts?”
“Right,” he replies, “Here’s where things first went off the rails. Whoever vetted the list of potential attendees sorted the list alphabetically, not by field of expertise. Of course, the obvious first choice would be for geologists; especially those with mining, field, and blasting experience.”
“Ah,” I replied, “No wonder it was such a miscellaneous bunch of baloney-loaf whole-grain enviro-types that Al had mentioned.”
“Yep,” Sam agreed, “But before anyone with any brains got sight of that list, some fucknuts in the Bureau’s University Liaison department sent out invitations.”
“Invitations?” I asked, “To what?”
“That’s just the thing,” Sam continued, “They sent out invites to a program that didn’t yet exist, run by someone who had yet to be contacted, much less secured.”
“Oh, hey! That’s some good work you guys do down there.” I snort.
“Indeed,” Sam agrees, “So once that hit the mail, we started getting back replies and acceptances.”
“And there was no project, no leader, no logistics…?” I asked.
“No shit,” Sam scoffs. “So, what did these idiots here do? Contact the attendees and explain the problem. Take a little flack, but get it sorted out then try again?”
“Let me guess,” I said, “No?”
“Nope,” Sam sighs, “By that time, it was in the works and in the hands of accountants.”
“Oh, fuck,” I commiserated. “I feel your pain.”
“Yeah,” Sam continues, “They see that you’re the hookin’ bull on the last one and they dig into your contract. They figure, ‘Whoa, he’s way too expensive, just look at these expense accounts’, so they do an end-around and contact your colleagues.”
“Al, Chuck, and Leo. They’re damn good guys,” I said, “Fine field scientists, all. But I don’t think any of them have the moxie or experience yet to run a whole field course.”
“These accounting shitheads never bothered to find out,” Sam groans, “It was all ‘bottom line’, so you got caught in the squeeze.”
“OK,” I reply, “I see how that happened, but what about all the shit about me being a 19th-century throwback, that I’m unsafe, wear horrible Hawaiian shirts, and all that shit?”
“Comedy of bloody errors,” Sam says, “Actually, the Bureau Chief likes your fashion sense; you should see some of his shirts. But your slime campaign was based on unreliable evidence, tall tales, folklore, and outright fabrications. It was easy to pimp someone with a personality like yours, it’s been said. Someone was trying desperately to cover his ass. However, we have identified the perpetrator.”
“Next time I’m in Reno,” I said, “I’ll pay him a friendly little visit and arrange his transport to Neptune. One way. Y’know, it’d be easy for someone with a ‘personality like mine’.”
“Ah, yeah. He won’t be here,” Sam says, “In fact, we don’t know where the hell he went. He was immediately sacked, as were a couple of the more boneheaded accountants.”
“That’s redundant,” I smirk, “They really don’t want to talk with or see me anytime soon.”
“Right, then Rock,” Sam says, “We green again?”
“Yeah, Sam,” I reply, “Sure. Green as a New Saigon. But you’ve got to call Rack and Ruin for me. You have to let them know how this whole clusterfuck came to be. We had some words a while back.”
“Oh, yeah,” Sam remembers, “I talked with them the other day. They said they’ll be in Houston in a couple of days.”
“Cor! Just what I fucking need right now,” I lament. “Ah, it is what it is.”
“OK, Rock. Now, back to reality. You interested?” Sam asks.
“Send me a JD (job description) and the project particulars. The price of poker’s really going up this time, Sam. Stratospheric. Sorry, it’s all just business.” I relate.
“Yeah…,” Sam sighs, “I figure we’ll really owe you if you can drag our ass out of the campfire on this one.”
“You have no idea,” I chuckle. We exchange farewells and ring off.
Now I have some talking to do with my significant other.
Since we were all set to go back to Baja Canada, I could use those two weeks to go to Nevada, if necessary. I can be back in Houston with Es for the last two weeks before we’re slated to travel, and we can sort out the house.
“This won’t be an easy sell,” I muse, before chatting with my darling, brilliant, and ever-so-forgiving partner.
“I’ll need a drink first”, I declare.
Esme notes that it would be nice to have a little spare cash with us when we move overseas.
You could have dropped me with a Claymore. Es never fails to flummox me.
So, provisional OK from the powers that be. Now all I have to do is wait on Sam’s prospectus.
The next day, the doorbell rings. It’s Agents Rack and Ruin.
One is holding a box of very expensive cigars, and one is holding a bottle of very expensive bourbon.
I turn to Es and remark, “Look here, darlin’. Geeks bearing gifts.”
“Hello, Doctor,” Rack says, bristling, “We need to talk. “
“Why?” I ask, “I do seem to recall that I’m no longer associated with you people any longer.”
“Doctor,” Agent Ruin cocks his head contritely, bowing ever so slightly, “May we please have a moment of your time?”
I look to Es. She shrugs her shoulders. Luckily I’m partial to Es’ opinion. I am also partial to good bourbon and cigars, especially when someone else is paying for them. So I shrug my shoulders as well and tell them to make entry.
“My office, “ I say, “You know the way. Mind the boxes.”
Once in my office, the Agents stack their offerings and go on in great detail, basically collaborating Sam’s story. I remain steadfast and stony as the Harney Peak Granite of Mr. Rushmore fame. I’m not giving anything away any longer.
“Well, Doctor,” Agent Ruin finalizes, “That’s the story, warts and all.”
“Yep, it is pretty warty,” I agree, “So?”
“We would like to rekindle our relationship,” Agent Rack reports, “These are for starters.”
He hands me the cigars and booze; plus another box.
“Thanks,” I say, “But just because I accept your peace offerings, that doesn’t mean we’re going to turn back the clock.”
“What are you suggesting?” Agent Ruin asks.
“No more consulting,” I reply, “I want in. The ‘Full Monty’, as it were. If I’m going overseas and work for some twitchy Middle Eastern sandpit’s national oil company, I want perks, tabs, and my ass duly covered.”
“Work two full-time jobs simultaneously?” Agent Rack asks.
“However you want to structure it,” I say, “No more consulting. From here on out, you want me, you’re making me a full-fledged full-timer.”
Agents Rack and Ruin look at each other, enquiringly.
“Doctor,” Agent Rack replies, “We are prepared to offer you an ad hoc Agency appointment. You will be fully attached but you will be also doing your full-time job in the other country.”
“I’m listening. Tell me more,” I ask, “What exactly are you offering?”
“Full access to all pertinent information,” Agent Ruin continues, “Full entrée to appropriate facilities and, um, assets. Security for you and your family in case of, well, shall; we say, ‘difficulties’. Monthly minimum payment of [$$$] to any non-US bank of your choice. Extra duties would be duly compensated. Top clearances. An enhanced potential payment package, bonus possibilities, and full benefits for you.”
“Full benefits for me and my family,” I say, “Or there’s the door. Non-negotiable” I point out.
“Very well. That had been anticipated.” Agent Rack replies.
“Gentlemen,” I say, “Let us shake on what I hope turns out to be a beautiful relationship.”
We shake hands and I sign my life away. I’m really in it now, up to my neck. I have to learn to shut up more and just listen.
“Now, gents,” I say, “In order to seal the deal, let us break out the drinking stuff you’ve brought along. We will also smoke together so that we will know there will be no lies or deceit between us.”
“Also anticipated, Doctor,” both agents agree.
My ‘new’ old colleagues prepare to leave a while later, after a cigar, and far too much of what was a full bottle of expensive gift booze. They always get you in the end.
Contained within the other small box were my new Agency credentials, updated version satellite phone, secure codes, and a nifty new Swiss Army Knife, with a built-in cigar cutter.
With renewed dedication and expectations all ‘round, Agents Rack and Ruin take their leave.
They hope to be able to meet me and the family, remember, they are Uncles Rack and Ruin, overseas one day in the not too distant future. My information, further updated cards, registration, and all that official business guff will come to the specific Middle Eastern country’s US Embassy for me once we arrive and get settled.
“Marvelous,” I muse.
I receive an Email from Dr. Muleshoe explaining what we talked about and his hopes for my stickhandling a ‘quick’ 2-week field excursion for the approximately 15 Ph.D. types from around North America. Seems there’s a couple of Canadians and one Mexican professor that expressed desires to join. They had actually forwarded funds to be included in our number.
Sam suggests I drive out in my truck and proceed as per the last trip. Get the trailer, fill it with noisemakers, and the Bureau would sort out transportation and lodging for the attendees. Seems some want to camp, like real geologists, and some want to lodge in hotels, like real non-geologists.
I write Sam back:
First item: this is a 2-week sojourn into the desert. It’s a field meeting, emphasis on the field, not a tour of Nevada’s many fine hotels, resorts, and casinos.
Item two: I no longer possess my truck. The Bureau will provide me with the appropriate vehicular equivalent. No passengers, this will be the Camp Chief truck from the onset. Besides, I am the only one licensed to drive the vehicle when coupled to an explosives-laden trailer.
Item three: I will be flown to and from Reno from Houston. No buses, trains, or automobiles. It’s business class or zilch.
Item the fourth: the Bureau will source the necessary support logisticians to provide food, drink, and toilet paper for the 16 professionals while we are in the field. They will also need to provide cooks, dishwashers, camp tidiers, and the like as I don’t have time to deal with 15 potentially field-fresh, whiny waterhead PhDs.
Item the fifth: The Bureau will provide for all pre- and post-trip handling of participants. They can handle hotel rooms for the early arrivers or late-stayers. They can manage arrivals, registration, signing of necessary documents, and assuring vaccination records are up to snuff, waivers are signed, etc. They will also handle the transportation of participants to/from and during the field project, when and where necessary.
Item the sixth: I include a new version of my contract. Force Majeure, ‘Take or Pay’ clause. Door to door coverage. Plus my, ahem, augmented day rate. Absolutely non-negotiable.
Item seven: I have final say over what is done in the field. I am in command, the boss, the head cheese, the head honcho, and I require absolute discipline, especially where explosives are concerned. “My way or the highway” will be the theme of the trip. Gain, non-negotiable.
To be continued.

I played another 18 new games (to me) during Q3. Here's another 18 mini reviews.

Hi, I'm back again for another round of new games (to me) that I've played during the third quarter of the year. This time I managed to play 18 new games, so here's my mini reviews of these games. Of course, some plays are very limited so it's really only my opinions. And I won't write what the games are about, please see BGG for descriptions.
Here's my post for Q1: https://old.reddit.com/boardgames/comments/b82p2a/ive_played_20_new_to_me_games_so_far_this_yea And for Q2: https://old.reddit.com/boardgames/comments/c8762b/i_played_another_10_new_games_to_me_during_q2/
A Fake Artist Goes to New York (2012) (2 plays, 2x10p) I got this as a gift and played during my bachelor party, I'm not very good at drawing so I was a little sceptical at first. But I was really wrong as you're only drawing a line at a time, your drawing skills really didn't matter (that much). I had a great time with this, it was wonderful. When you only can draw one line, everyone seems to be the fake artist as you go "what the hell is this?" when you get a totally different drawing passed your way. I will say that 10 players is way too much as the fake artist had no problem blending in, I'm gonna try this soon again with around 6 players, think that might be better. Still think that it might be something you play twice, and then move on to something else as it's kind of the same each time. 6 or 7/10.
more dude (2018) (2 plays, 2x5p) Another game I got as a gift, and played, during my bachelor party. This is a strange one, this is so stupid, and if you would ask me to play it now when I'm sober I would refuse, and even if you forced me I'd give it a 2 or 3 out of 10. Get me drunk, and this is hilarious. It's so stupid it's fun, shouting "dude" in different voices as you try to match with someone else. Drunk me would give this a 10/10... (no not really). But don't play this where you can disturb others, it's awful to listen to if you're not playing. But I have to compare this to Happy Salmon which I think is a superior game. I think it's much smarter, it's over in less than a minute, and no one can really cheat. After a while I felt that people started to gesture instead of actually changing their voices properly. I have both now, and both will stay in the collection a while. But if one of them leaves, it's gonna be more dude.
Professor Evil and the Citadel of Time (2017) (2 plays, 2x4p) I'm adding more co-ops to my collection as my wife likes those the best and I heard about this game on the Secret Cabal podcast which got me interested. Then it popped up on sale so I grabbed it. Well, I know why it was on sale. We played twice, and the first time we were so unlucky with our dice rolls that we lost in just a few turns, the next game we were so lucky instead that it really wasn't a challenge at all. It kind of felt pointless, there wasn't really much we could do about what happened. I liked the artwork a lot though, and the theme was nice, but way too random. I might try it again though, or perhaps with kids, might better suit them. 4/10.
Set a Watch (2019) (2 plays, 2x2p) I had really hoped to play this more before this quarter came to an end. I backed this on Kickstarter to have another co-op to play with my wife and this looked really up our alley. And boy was it, she absolutely loved it and has talked about it several times. But we played it wrong which made it really hard, anytime you use a special action you need to turn your card up side down, which means one less health. We did this even if we put a die on it, which apparently you don't need to do. I watched a video were Jamey Stegmaier talked about the game, and he mentioned the thing with the die and it became much clearer why people called the game "easy". We wouldn't even make it half through. This is all because the rulebook is awful, the text is too big, there's not enough pictures, and it's really hard to find what you are looking for. It's just bad. Besides that, the game is really great. If you like co-ops you should pick it up. But, I would recommend this for maximum two players. You always need to control 4 characters, and 1 character needs to stay and "watch the fire" which isn't as fun as killing bad guys. At 4 players, someone needs to stay behind, at 3 players someone's gonna play two characters, but at 2 you both have 2 characters. I haven't tried this solo yet. 8/10.
Dobble or Spot it (2009) (4 plays, 4x6p) This game is called Dobble where I am, but apparently called Spot it in the US(?). We played a UNO-esque version where you needed to get rid of all your cards by matching the symbols. You know, it's fine, it's a game, let's play it if there's nothing else to do. It was a little bit too stressful for me though. 4/10.
Welcome to... (2018) (2 plays, 1x2p, 1x4p) Roll and Writes is the new thing for me, though this is a flip and write I guess. I like crossing out stuff, drawing lines, and making combos on my own piece of paper. I like that you can easily carry it with you, so you could practically play whenever you want. Welcome to... is really good! First of all, you play at the same time which makes the game really fast. Placing house numbers and then using the special action is really satisfying, and crossing your fingers that just the right number will appear next is thrilling. My wife did not like this however which is a shame, because I like it. It's not wonderful, it's not ground breaking, but I had a really good time with this. It's gonna stay in the collection a while, I'm gonna laminate a few sheets, easier to change if you make a mistake and it'll last longer. Probably a 7/10.
Awkward Guests (2016) (1 play, 1x3p) Another Kickstarter, and the English version is from 2019. This is a deduction game similar to Clue, you'll need to find the murderer, the weapon and the motive, but this is so much smarter. It's a brilliant system finding out the clues, and you'll need to be cleverer than just asking for a card that you don't have. Each turn you'll ask for clues from the other players, each player presents you with a few cards but you can choose who you take the clues from. Perhaps Billy over there doesn't really have any new information, what did he give you last time? is he just gonna give you the cards you gave to him? Go watch the Dice Tower review of this, you'll get a better sense of how the game plays. I'm just gonna say that I love it, even after just one play, even after that we accidentally added a card that was not supposed to be there which made us very confused and the game took us nearly 2 hours to complete. We're gonna play it again on Saturday, and we'll be much quicker then, perhaps add a timer so people don't think too long. I'm not gonna give this a 10 after just one play, but perhaps after I've played it some more. 8 or 9/10 right now though.
Bargain Quest (2017) (1 play, 1x6p) It's another Kickstarter! I'm gonna start out with: Don't play this with 6 players. Even if you draft at the same time, everything else takes too long. I wasn't too fond of my first play with this, I mean it's ok, but it's not ground breaking by any sort. It's quite interesting though, as time dragged on and I got impatient, everyone else really liked the game, it really surprised me as most of my friends doesn't like it when it's too long. But the next day, they said they wanted to play it again. My wife liked it too, though she doesn't like too much randomness, and before your hero attacks you draw an "adventure card" which might boost your hero, or really hinder your hero. She HATED that. Still wanted to try it again. Which we will, but perhaps with 4 players. I'm gonna go with a 6/10 for now.
Don't Get Got (2018) (1 play, 1x2p) Like The Mind people will argue if this really is a game, or is it an activity? Perhaps it's both? It's really a quite nice one, which ever it is. I saw a video from u/jonpurkis, or "Actualol", that got me interested in this and I found it cheap through an online retailer so I decided to try it out. It doesn't have a play time as it could last for several days, each player gets 6 missions that they need to finish, all of them has to do with making other people do stuff, or not notice that you've done something. First to finish all three of these missions wins. I played this with my wife during our vacation, first few days you were really on your guard but we both managed to fool each other once, but it didn't finish until we got home. We're sitting in our couch watching a movie, wife has prepared some snack and we each got our separate bowl. I eat some chips, then when I take another hand of chips, there's a mission card in there. I did not see that coming and wife won with that. Really fun, I can recommend this for shorter trips or get-togethers. 7/10.
Keyforge: Age of Ascension (2019) (1 play, 1x2p) I needed a new game for my wife and I to play as I have destroyed Star Realms for us, and I've heard that this was the new thing. Excited about the unique decks, what to expect, and perhaps a new game for us to bond over, we were both really disappointed. It took us about 1 hour to play as we both had to read cards, checking rules, being confused, and playing cards that just destroyed the other's work instead of helping yourself. In the end, wife won and we felt like we both lost. Perhaps I'm turning more and more into a care bear, I really don't like when someone destroys what I just did, it's like skipping a turn and that's something I really hate. I know that our one play is tainted by that we were mostly confused over what to do, and really didn't have any strategy to speak of, so I'm gonna try and convince my wife to give it another try, someday, when we have forgot how boring it was. People love this, and I wanna know why. But right now, it's around 3 or 4/10 for me. ^sorry
Mi Tierra: New Era (2016) (1 play, 1x2p) So my friend has this game and really wanted to play it, he set it up in advance, read up on the rules, and was ready for me when I arrived. But the rules were so poorly written that there was so many things that we didn't know how it worked, there was not many examples, so we had to guess. The game itself started out fine, but each round you draw a card that gives all the players something good or something bad. The first two turns we had a worker less than normal, which really halted the whole game. We kept struggling to do all the things the game wanted you to do, and in the end just had to give up certain aspects of the game. I know some games you just have to focus on a few things and accept that you'll get minus from some things, but this wasn't the case here. It felt like you were supposed to do all the stuff, you could even get extra points if you managed it, but there wasn't enough time or resources for that. Perhaps I need to play it again, but I don't want to. The game felt like it need more players, and being the start player was really powerful. I don't care for this game. 5/10.
Near and Far (2017) (1 play, 1x2p) Another game I really need to play more, we had a great first time playing this, reading the stories, trying to finish our quest goals. This was a great substitute to Tales of the Arabian Nights which I sold a few days later, no point having that game when I had a superior game. We both felt though that perhaps we needed another player or two. We were really never in the way of each other, so it kind of felt like a solitaire game. Just that the stories were read to each other. It feels like this could be a great game for me and my group. Need to play more. 7 right now, might be 8/10, or even 9 one day. We'll see.
Power Grid (2004) (1 play, 1x4p) I have actively avoided this game as people has said that it's "Math - the game", and I hate math. But I've also heard that it's a superb game that you need to play! So I've now played it, and it's indeed "Math - the game", and it's indeed a superb game, and if you haven't played it you should try it soon. The way the action works is brilliant, the way you place your power stations is brilliant, the way you power your cities is brilliant, the way you buy resources is brilliant. What's not brilliant is how much counting you need to do during your and everyone else's turns. Each turn is just too long as everyone's counting... "so if I'll add that, that'll be 38, but then I can't afford that, so I'll just take one of those, so then I have 24. Wait I have less than I thought, I need to start over". It was like this for everyone. After the game I suggested that we play with calculators next time to speed things up, but another guy said that was cheating. I guess? I don't know what the rules says but lowering the play time is a good thing I think. Love the one play I have of this though. 8/10.
Thieves Den (2019) (1 play, 1x2p) This was an interesting game, interesting as in "I don't want to play it again". No, that's harsh, it's not that bad. But I surely don't want to play it with just two players again. At the start of the game, you get a mission that'll give you points in the end. You'll need to collect certain symbols, and these are secret to other players. One of my symbols never showed up during the game. FUN! Then there were too many take that cards. FUN! But one thing that was really interesting was the lack of resources. There were a limited amount each round, and if I used some of it, it was gone for the rest of the round. That was quite cleverly designed. Too bad the rest was meh. 4/10.
Ubongo (2003) (1 play, 1x3p) Played this at a friend's house, his girlfriend suggested that we play this and I'm always up for new games. My friend said that he refused to play Ubongo with his girlfriend again, so it was just me, my wife and the friend's girlfriend. She crushed us! She was so fast at laying these puzzles that she always chose gems first. I do like these kind of puzzles, but having someone being that much faster than you is quite demoralizing ;) It was an ok game though, we had a good laugh about it. But one thing I'm gonna complain about is the color of the gems. I'm not colorblind so I usually don't have any trouble distinguishing different pieces in games, but in this the clear gem and the light blue gem was so similar that I thought I was doing quite well when I was instead collecting two different colors. Don't want this in my collection, nor do I feel the need to play it again. It's ok, and I could play it if someone really wanted to, but just once. 4/10.
Victorian Masterminds (2019) (1 play, 1x3p) Played this at a convention with two random dudes. The production quality in this game is insane, the cog wheel poker chips are really nice to hold and play with, the building miniatures have nice details, there's even scientist miniatures that could easily have been just cardboard tokens. But apparently they stopped with the quality when they made the bolt and copper tokens, they are so small and they look really cheap in comparison to everything else in the game. The game then? It was actually quite nice, the action selection and how you resolved the stack of agents (poker chips) was really nice, and it was a chase to either build your machine first or if the secret service needle reaches the end, that triggers the end game. The guy who owned it said that it was always the secret service that triggered the end game, but for us it was that one machine got built. Anyhoo, I enjoyed this game, I enjoyed the feel it had, even if one of the actions that you could do was mean it was THAT mean. I still don't need this game, too similar in weight and play time to other games I have that I like more, and it might just be too expensive for what it is. But I'll play it if someone invites me. 7/10.
My First Carcassonne (2009) (2 plays, 1x4p, 1x2p) Some of my friend's kids are turning in to the age where they have more interest in games than just fiddling with the pieces so I got this game for my friend's child's 6th birthday. First we played it with the 6 year old, the 3 year old and two adults. The 6 year old grasped the game right away and she had a great time playing, the 3 year old needed a lot of guidance though but still had fun, he didn't like that his older sister won though. Us adult had a good time too, it's quite a nice game to play with kids, and it's challenging for them but still fun for adults. Would recommend.
Bamse gympaspel (2016) (1 play, 1x3p) So another kids' game, though it's more of an activity for kids to learn to move their body. My friend's 3 year old love this though and likes to play it a lot. I don't even know why I have it on here? :) As a game, it's actually who is the luckiest with the die roll as you try to collect all the colors. But that's not the point of the game.
That's it for the third quarter. I'll be back in January for the last quarter, and perhaps I'll name my favourite of the year :)
Short updates on games I wrote about in Q1 and Q2 that I've played more Castles of Caladale, played another 2 times with my wife. She just loved the puzzle of building your castle, with being able to move the tiles as you want and no time restraint she won easily each time. Still a 4 for me though. Let's make a Bus Route is still really lovely. Played another 4 times and everyone I've played it with has loved it. Short, simple, fun and great. I'll lower it from 9 to a 8/10 though. Herbacous Sprouts Tried the solo variant twice, lost once, won once. It's quite nicely designed, and the theme speaks to me. It's a small box so I might carry it with me if I go travel someday. It's now a 7/10. LotR: Journeys in Middle-Earth Played two more scenarios with my wife and we enjoy it a lot. I will still compare it to Mansions of Madness though, and MoM is a much better game. Last time I said that the deck of cards instead of dice was a really nice touch, but I also think that the deck can be a little demoralizing. Once all your success card has come out, you know that you'll fail the next test, and you go "what's the point", in MoM the dice can give you a slim chance, in JiME it's impossible. Still like the game, and I guess we have to get better at not ending up in those positions. Still 8/10. Wingspan One more play with 3 players. It's fine, it's ok, it's nothing special. Except the birds, the art, the tokens, the dice, it's really pretty to look at. I want to play it again, but after each time it's been like... ok I guess? 6/10. Surburbia So glad I got to play this again, fucking love it. Played it with my wife, she thought it was just ok, and apparently I don't need it, lol. Used copies are being sold everywhere now as people are waiting for the collector's edition, I want that too. But it's better to play my friend's copy, it would just gather dust at home. Quacks of Quedlingburg Played it another 2 times, so a total of 8 this year, one play was with the new expansion. This game is great, I've ordered the geek bits for this, a birthday present for myself ;) 8/10. Space Base Just one more play since last time. Hard to get to the table now that my wife has declared it "worst game ever", but I still like it. Wife's brother and his wife lives with us for a while until they can move in to their new home, which has been great as they really want to try different games, and I got to play this with them. This time we tried the fast variant, and that's the way I'll play it in the future. Still 8/10.
Thanks for reading this far!

31 y/o Supply Chain Consultant making $106500 in the Chicago suburbs

Section 1 Assets and Debts:
401K and IRA Balances: $101K
Personal Investments/Savings Accounts: $14K
Joint investments/House improvement funds with my boyfriend, M (technically I own 40%): $59K
Home Equity with M: $137K (technically I own 40%)
Checking Account Balance: $3400
Credit Cards: Pay in full every month
Student Loans: Paid off in full in 2017
Car: Paid off in full in February 2018
Section 2 Income:
$86,500 base annual salary plus annual bonus of $20,000. Monthly take home after taxes, retirement contribution and benefits: $4450 before bonus.
Section 3 Monthly Expenses (I split almost everything with M down the middle, below are my portions only):
Mortgage + Escrow (Includes property tax and homeowners insurance): $1380 for my 40% portion.
Car Insurance: $40
Utilities: average $140 for water, trash, internet, gas and electricity.
Netflix, Amazon Prime, HBO: $20
Peloton: $57
Groceries/Eating Out: Average $750
Puppy stuff (daycare, walker, grooming, insurance, meds/vaccines, food, overnight camp): average $275
Housekeeper: $120
Lawn Care (Apr-Nov): $50
Cell phone: -$30 (I get $50 a month from work for my cell and pay my parents $20 a month for my phone’s addition onto their family plan.)
401K Contribution: 12% of each paycheck, including bonus paychecks. My company puts in an additional 4%.
Savings contribution: I put $800 into our joint savings every month plus my entire tax return. If I have money left over I will contribute to my personal savings, I am guessing I put about $2500 this year but hoping to increase that next year to $6-8000
Health, Dental and Vision Insurance: $215/Mo taken directly out of my paycheck.
Day 1 Monday:
6:30 am: Wake up in my hotel room. I am in Montana on a short business trip (2 nights) to wrap up a consulting engagement I am managing. I’m working at a hospital and get to wear scrubs to work, so I throw on my clothes and wash my face real quick... no need to spend more than 5 minutes getting ready this morning! I grab a coffee cup and fill it with dry Froot Loops from the free breakfast bar to eat in my car while driving to work. I get a $10 per diem for breakfast which I spent $0 of.
1:00 pm: This project consisted of me designing this hospital’s main supply storage area. The final stage of the project is a “white glove” installation where we physically assemble the new storage devices and fill the room with supplies. I have a team of 4 that have been here for 8 days doing the assembly work, so now that I am here we are double checking everything and fixing any issues I find. The morning goes by SO FAST and I am reminded by my team that we need to eat lunch at some point, so we take a break to go to Subway inside the hospital. I get a $15 per diem for lunch of which I used $7.48 for an iced tea, 6” turkey sub and sour cream and onion chips. My hair and clothes have now absorbed all of the Subway smells and it’s back to work!
5:30 pm: I walk through the facility with the client and they sign off on our work- we’re done! Turns out we don’t have to come in tomorrow morning and can fly home early. The United App doesn’t have any earlier same-day-confirmed options for me which is a bummer since my flight isn’t until 1:15 pm.
6:00 pm: My team and I head out for dinner at a local cidery since it’s our last night on the project. We share a bunch of apps, including poutine which these 4 Californian’s had NEVER HEARD OF BEFORE!? I pick up the tab on my company card ($0)
9:30 pm: I talk with M on the phone for a few minutes before heading to bed. I have checked the United App multiple times this evening and still no earlier flights available. I am asleep by 10!
Total: -$17.52 back in per diem + $13 for dog walker (split with M)
Day 2 Tuesday:
6:30 am: Wake up without my alarm and immediately check the United App and there are still no earlier flights. I give up hope on getting home early and check in for my 1:15 Flight. I am currently #1 on the upgrade list for my flight to Denver which NEVER happens since I only have Silver status.
7:15 am: Head downstairs to get breakfast from the buffet. I have Froot Loops again but this time with milk and a spoon instead of shoving them into my face while driving. (-$10 with my per diem)
7:30 am: I go into the workout room and get on the treadmill. I have a Peloton subscription and do a walk/run interval class for 45 minutes on my iPad. I am a cyclist (both spinning and road), and haven’t run in probably 10 years. I am slow but hold all the intervals for the set amount of time and am now convinced that I can run a half marathon! HA! I follow up with a 10 minute arm strength class and head upstairs to shower and wash my hair.
10:00 am: I am packed and head out of the hotel. I have a couple hours to kill so I head to a local coffee shop and get a latte and homemade pop tart. I work on expense reports and browse the internet until I have to head to the airport. ($9.50 with tip)
1:00 pm: Upgrade confirmed! I drink a couple 312s on the flight while watching “Plus One” with the in-flight app. Between this movie and “The Boys”, Jack Quaid is my official 2019 celeb crush. We land in Denver and I have about 20 minutes left in the movie, but I’ll finish it on my flight to Chicago.
2:45 pm: I wait in line for 10 minutes to get an 8 piece nugget and diet lemonade from Chick-Fil-A during my layover. We don’t have many Chick-Fil-A’s in the Chicago-area and I am an ex-Atlantan, so I usually find myself going out of my way to eat it at airports even if it’s in a different terminal. ($7.72, but I get $15 per diem for lunch)
4:00 pm: The movies available on this flight are different than the movies on my first flight and I can’t finish Plus One! I watch The Wedding Singer instead and enjoy my complimentary stroopwafel and club soda.
7:00 pm: I fly all the time but still get chills flying over Chicago at night, my window seat gives me the perfect view of downtown as we approach O’Hare. I was only gone for 2 nights but I’m SO excited to be home and see M and puppy!
8:30 pm: Lyft drops me off at home (paid with company card, so $0) and I am greeted with hugs and kisses from the fam! I make some frozen Trader Joe’s mini chicken tacos and eat them with guac that I had made on the previous Friday. It’s a little brown but honestly tastes fine. (-$20 from dinner per diem)
8:45 pm: M and I watch a Bon Appetit you tube video and we head upstairs to go to bed.
Total: -$28.22 back in per diem + $120 for housekeeper that comes every other Tuesday and $33 for doggy day care, both of these will be split with M.
Day 3 Wednesday:
6:20 am: Alarm goes off and I get up and get ready for work. My morning routine at home is about 15 minutes and consists of brushing teeth, washing face, putting on SPF, going over my hair with a straightener and maybe a couple sprays of dry shampoo, and throwing on some boybrow and mascara. I am responsible for morning puppy duties and M is responsible for the evening. It is 20 degrees outside so I only take her out for a couple minutes and hope that she goes potty during our short walk- she does! I start the coffee pot and make an egg and cheese English muffin. We’re almost out of coffee beans so I order 2 boxes from La Colombe which should arrive in a few days ($34.34). Out the door and at work by 8.
12:00 pm: Meet up with my friend for lunch. We always go to a Jewish deli ½ way between our offices. I get a huge bowl of matzo ball soup and a black and white cookie. I save ½ the soup for lunch tomorrow and the cookie is coming home with me to split with M for dessert. ($20.62 with tip)
5:30 pm: I pickup M on my way home from work because it’s cold and he doesn’t feel like riding his bike. We get home and heat up leftover chicken stroganoff and make a salad for dinner. We watch Bon Appetit videos on YouTube for about an hour before we clean up and I head upstairs to do a spin class on the Peloton. I shower and get in bed by 9:45ish.
Total: $54.96 + $13 for dog walker. Coffee and Dog Walker split with M.
Day 4 Thursday:
6:20 am: Alarm goes off and I get ready for work. Same morning routine as yesterday with the addition of starting a load of laundry and dropping M off at work on my way in. Get to work at 8.
5:00 pm: Leave work and feel like I did absolutely nothing today. Now that the Montana project is over I am “on the bench” waiting for my next fulltime assignment which likely won’t happen until early 2020. I should enjoy the free time but it’s hard to sit at my desk for 8 hours with what feels like nothing productive to do other than small random tasks my boss throws at me. I swing by Lou Malnati’s and pickup a pizza and salad for dinner and head over to my parent’s house. ($39.69)
5:45 pm: Arrive at my parent’s house. My mom was diagnosed with cancer a couple weeks ago and she had her first chemo session this morning. I generally see my parents once every couple weeks but it has been a lot more frequent since the diagnosis. My office is halfway between my house and theirs so stopping by on a weeknight is no big deal. She feels really good after today’s session and we’re all in good spirits, positive, etc… but I am really nervous about the coming months and how the chemo will affect her both physically and mentally.
8:30 pm: Fill up my car with gas on the way home ($35.41) and am greeted by puppy when I walk in the front door! I turnover the laundry, make a gin and soda, and chill on the couch with the fam for an hour before going upstairs to get ready for bed.
10:00 pm: Last weekend when I was at my parent’s house they called me out on my ratty old Birkenstock clogs that I am pretty sure I have had since high school. The heels are so worn away they are basically non-existent and according to my parents, “unsafe”. They asked me tonight if I ordered a new pair yet and I said I would get around to it soon, so here I am ordering new shoes instead of trying to go to sleep. I get a pair of clogs to replace the current pair, and a pair of sandals for an upcoming trip to the Virgin Islands that I’ll probably end up returning because I already own 3 other pairs of Birkenstock sandals (they’re just so comfortable!). ($292.19)
Total: $367.29 + $13 for mid-day dog walker (split with M)
Day 5 Friday:
5:30 am: Puppy wakes me up by scooching as close as she possibly can into my lower back. It’s not worth going back to bed for 50 minutes so I lay awake and browse Instagram and Reddit until my alarm goes off at 6:20.
7:10 am: M and I are both ready to go a few minutes earlier than normal, so we decide to get breakfast tacos from a place down the street before heading into work ($17.95 for 4 tacos including tip). We agree that next time we should each only get 1 taco since we’re so full, but we both know that isn’t realistic. I drop him off afterwards and arrive at the office a couple minutes late.
12 pm: I go to Potbelly with some coworkers for lunch and get a turkey sandwich with extra giardiniera and a bottle of green tea ($9.01). Debating leaving work early today since I worked 12 hours this past Sunday and as discussed earlier, I just don’t have much to work on right now. Unfortunately, my company is weird about flex hours and working from home, and it is generally looked down upon to leave before 4:30p on a Friday. I think I’ll stay until about 3 though because fuck it.
3:10 pm: OUTTA HERE! I pick up M from work on the way home. We stop at the house to drop off our laptops and walk puppy, then we head out to a brewery a couple blocks from us that just expanded their taproom from about 20 seats to 80. I can’t tell you how many times we have walked over and turned around because there was nowhere to sit, so this is very exciting! Still waiting for them to let dogs inside though…
6:00 pm: After a couple of beers ($22.80) and rounds of poker, we order a Detroit-style pizza from a restaurant a couple blocks away. We walk over to pick it up ($27.50- this one is entirely on me since I lost at poker!) and head home to eat, have a couple more beers, and watch Bojack Horseman on Netflix.
10:30 pm: I’m a little buzzed and very tired. I chug a glass of water and head upstairs to go to sleep.
Total: $77.26 (Tacos and Beers are split with M)
Day 5 Saturday:
6:30 am: Wake up without alarm and hangout in bed for 30 minutes before changing into my workout clothes and taking puppy for a walk. I head downstairs to brew coffee in our Chemex and wait for M to wake up.
8:45 am: M is awake and we walk over to our local bakery to get a couple breakfast pastries and a loaf of bread ($21.68). This is our favorite bakery, but they are moving to the north side of town in the spring to be in a bigger space with better parking and I’m sure to get more business from the neighboring fancy-schmancy ‘burbs. I would love to stop patronizing this business in protest for leaving my neighborhood, but everything they make is literally TO DIE FOR.
11:00 am: After hanging out on the couch all morning I head out to run grocery errands. We decide to have a charcuterie plate for dinner tonight with the bread we bought from the bakery, and to make meatballs and marinara sauce for dinner tomorrow night. We always cook a huge meal on Sunday with enough leftovers to last 2 or 3 more nights. I end up stopping at 4 stores:
a) Liquor store to buy a few 4-packs of cider and beer, plus a cheap bottle of merlot to make mulled wine ($56.99)
b) Local butcher for 2lb ground beef, sliced deli turkey and a fancy salami ($35.24 + $.50 parking!)
c) Trader Joe’s for our frozen food staples (mini chicken tacos, light mac and cheese, margherita pizza, chicken shumai), cheese for the charcuterie plate, canned San Marzano tomatoes for the marinara sauce, a couple cans of draft latte, and some pepitas for a recipe I came across for hot honey glazed sweet potatoes ($89.87)
d) Jewel, our regular grocery store for produce, fresh squeezed OJ, Kleenex, Tide and 12 cases of sparkling water because Polar was on sale 3 for $10! ($91.13)
I generally stock up on booze, Trader Joe’s frozen food and sparkling water once every 4-6 weeks, so this is a huge shopping trip for us!
1:15 pm: I come home and make sandwiches for M and I with our fancy bakery bread and the turkey and cheese I just bought. We watch episodes of Good Mythical Morning on YouTube until I head upstairs to do a Peloton yoga class.
6:00 pm: I make mulled wine on the stove and prepare the charcuterie plate. We slowly nibble for the next hour and watch the new holiday episodes of The Great British Baking Show. M asks if I’m ok with the fact that we did absolutely nothing today other than eat and chill on the couch and the answer is YES. I have been gone the last 2 weekends and am gone next weekend as well… I needed a day to just hangout in my leggings and not do anything.
9:45 pm: I’m tired and decide to call it an early night. M stays downstairs to play his new Pokémon video game until 2 in the morning.
Total: $295.41 (split with M)
Day 7 Sunday:
6:30 am: Wake up without my alarm and get out of bed. I can’t find our dog and accidently wake up M while trying to rescue her from the weird blanket crevice she found herself in last night. I grab her and leave the bedroom, hoping M is able to get back to sleep. Puppy and I walk around the block and once inside I brew a French press and eat a bowl of pineapple and raspberries.
7:15 am: My former colleague has been trying to recruit me to work for him and said I need to “zhuzh” up resume a bit to impress his boss, so I pull out my laptop and start editing. This position would be a promotion to management, have zero travel, and a salary increase of about $20K. It’s honestly a no-brainer that I apply for this position, but I can’t help but feel guilty about it. I get along great with my boss, and leaving to go work for this old colleague of ours feels like a shitty thing to do. At the end of the day though, I plan on starting a family in the next couple years and I NEED a job without travel in order for that to happen, and my current company cannot offer me that.
9:00 am: M is awake and I make us scrambled eggs with cheddar and English muffins. Our dog LOVES eggs more than anything else so I give her some scraps in her bowl, yet she still doesn’t stop barking for more until M and I have finished our plates and rinse them off in the sink! We have created a monster.
9:45 am: I go upstairs to do some Peloton strength classes on my iPad. Our bike is broken and we are waiting on a replacement part, otherwise I would have done a spin class today. I get in the shower and wash my hair, followed by 45 minutes of hair drying and straightening. I try to only wash my hair once every 5 or 6 days because it takes so long to straighten from wet.
12:30 pm: I head out to meet a friend for a late brunch (I guess just lunch?) in the city. We meet at this cute place near her apartment that is owned by a local farm and it’s half market, half restaurant. While waiting to be seated we walk around the market and decide what we’re going to buy on our way out. Once we get seated we order unlimited mimosas, an order of apple cider beignets to split, and we each order the same entrée of avocado benedict. ($50.98 with tip)
3:30 pm: After stuffing our faces and drinking our money’s worth of mimosas, we buy our market goodies. I get a couple cans of natural wine spritzer, delicata squash, homemade mushroom tamales, red popcorn kernels and a bottle of hot sauce. ($54.16). I drop my friend off at her apartment and head home.
4:30 pm: I get home and give puppy a quick pre-dinner walk, then start making the meatballs (M had already started the marinara sauce). I also pop a spaghetti squash in the oven as a pasta substitute, and M gets upset with me for using the “good knife” to open the squash.
6:30 pm: I call my parent’s house while the meatballs are in the oven to see how my mom is feeling since her doctor said that Sunday may be a hard day after her first chemo session. She feels better than expected which is great! We make lunch plans for Wednesday this week.
7:00 pm: Dinner is served! I open up one of the natty wine spritzers I bought today and split it with M- delightful! I eat my entire plate and feel like dying I ate so much (I definitely contribute this to my huge brunch only a couple hours earlier!) I curl up in a ball on the couch and wait for the feeling of fullness to pass while M plays Pokémon. My legs are also starting to feel sore from this morning’s workout- ugh. All I want is to lay down in peace but puppy keeps barking at me to play fetch with her. I’m just NOT IN THE MOOD, GIRL.
9:00 pm: Sunday scaries are starting to hit me… hard. I am really dreading another boring week at work. I know random things will pop up for me to work on or help out with, but not 40-hours worth! I head upstairs to get ready for bed and am asleep by 10.
Total: $104.14 (market items split with M)

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